Bite Me… Thursday, May 15 2008

Remember when Ro finally got to meet
her idol, Bab’s and she opened with the line,
oh heck, something like “for all of you out there,
dreams do come true”. Just spilling over
with tears that she could not control.

Well that is how I feel. About so many different
things lately. It swells to overflowing.
There is too much, too much of it all.
From graduation, to Kate leaving, to this
possible trip this summer to Michigan, to
Becky and her loss. A roller coaster ride
I feel as if I am on in some respects.
Even with my work, it’s up one day and
down the next, good days and bad with no
real schedule of time to do it.

I am dizzy from it all. I’m blaming it
on hormones and life in general. It just
feels all consuming to me right now.
I escape to the studio, to music, turning
it loud to surround me. I close my eyes and
feel it, my meditation, musically enhanced.
It stops the thoughts and I can just listen to
the melody, the instruments, and rest my
tired brain. The push and pull of maintaining
relationships with several people in my life is
exhausting me.

here’s that Ro clip…

I love her, not afraid to feel and to speak it.
No matter the cost.
———————————
Our plans for today are changing.
It was to be a family outing day to make up for a
crappy mothers day. But now, Hilary has been asked
to stay at school longer than the 1pm let out time
(due to finals) Her choir director wants them to
practice for the last Women’s Choir performance,
till at lest 2pm. (she is a member of 3 choirs)
So I said fine, we will just go an hour later.

Then I picked Kate up today and she got in the car
saying she has agreed to be back at work today at 4!
Totally forgetting our plans, though I reminded her last night.
She wouldn’t have forgotten if it was a party with friends,
she would never miss one of those, but her mom’s, pfftttt.
just sayin.

So really, at this point I am going to take Jan and we will
go by ourselves. They really made no effort to make mothers
day or this alternate day special for us, but mostly for Jan.
She has given us all of her for 9 years and it warrants care.
Damn it! I’m really pissed about the whole thing.
I will make today special for Jan on my own.

———————————
Good news…
The solitude figure will be reborn in a
commission. Set in a spot in Sedona Arizona
that my client finds peaceful.
I am very excited to begin it!
I am waiting for her to send pictures of the spot.

——————————–
I love this quote….
Our lives improve only when we take chances -
and the first and most difficult risk we can take
is to be honest with ourselves.
Walter Anderson

I’m working on it!
Have a great day everyone.

A blast from the past…For Jan…

Dionne Warwick, I say a little prayer.

Oh and Jaded, (or anyone) what did you think of
Fantasia’s performance last night on Idol?
Someone said Simon looked like he had thrown
up in his mouth. I thought it was just awful!
(the performance I mean)
WTF was that?

6 Responses »

 

As time passes… Wednesday, May 14 2008

So yes, I have a sinus infection.
On all the meds. Slept on the couch
so Jan could sleep without me tossing and
keeping her awake. It sucks to have a headache
while you sleep! Each time I sleep on the couch
I wake with my arthritis in my hips really ticked off
at me. You would think I would learn and not do that!

I am a stubborn old woman.
But ya love me anyway right? I said!!
I’m fine really.

Hilary graduates next Friday.
No really, how will I survive it?
Graduation is being held in Chattanooga
at an arena there. 8 pm, which means we wont
get out of there until about 11. What is wrong with
using the football field? I know, it could possibly rain.
It worked for me in 1977.

I have been remembering that time lately.
My mom did show up for my graduation, I was already
gone from home by that time. Working as a nanny to
two beautiful little boys. My pay was my room and board
and anything I just had to have personally, my employer bought.
But I had no money I could call my own. When she said she was
moving to the other side of town and asked me to come along.
I had to say no. I would leave Michigan and go “home” to
California within the month.

I had only been in Michigan for four years. I had found out
that my father was not my father at all but was some unknown
man on my birth certificate. This news came as I took my driving
test. No mention was made of it, Mom took me to lunch to make
up for the lifetime of lies. I sat there dumbfounded at the news.
But I had my license and was going to be free soon.
I had figured out that I was gay, this horrible thing others spoke
in whispers about. That was me. My step father, the man who
molested me, had just been moved out, finally after one more
embarrassing scene in front of the neighbors in our new town.
I tried to kill myself over all of it. I survived it and enrolled in the
career center that changed everything.

I soon found love with Beth, or thought I had. Terrified of it,
I rejected it and slept with the first boy I felt I could trust
to not hurt me. I had to prove I wasn’t gay to myself.
I was so gay. I hated each moment of being with Joe.
No offense Joe. I’m sure you made some straight girl a wonderful
lover. The truth is I couldn’t even talk to boys, let alone make a
life with one. (I should have remembered that later)

Beth was who I felt at home with, that love completed me.
While we never fully made love, those moments of lovely
passion we did share told me everything I needed to know.
My whole world and what I knew of me had changed during
that time.

I watched Laura’s children occasionally then too but she paid
crap! Actually the truth is, I was so enamored by her I rarely
asked for pay LOL. It didn’t matter to me then, money I mean.
I gave away anything to feel accepted and loved. Too much really.
I learned that later. I saved nothing for me.

Mom had seen Laura and Beth coming to pick me up at home
often and must have had her own gaydar working. She figured out that
Laura was gay and when Beth started hanging around me,
well Mom wasn’t stupid. Our big blow up came when she threatened
to make me stop working for Laura, “that woman” as she called her.
Sure she was the “cause” of this homosexual thing”.
Beth was no longer to be allowed to come by for visits.

I left that night and never lived with her again. When I attempted to
take my bed and dresser and a few things with me so I would have
some furniture in my room. She refused to let me have any of it.
I was allowed one trunk, what ever fit was all I got. I took mementos,
journals, favorite books, not really anything I would need to live.

And so, I treasure that my children still reside here with me in
that way. That they feel a desire to be here and know that they
are welcome and loved no matter who they are.

My goal as a parent was never to allow my children to be molested.
To teach them acceptance of all humans, no matter, no matter.
To teach them that what they put forth for the world they
will receive. If they are bitter, closed and angry, they will get that
in return from others. If they were kind and giving, that too would
be theirs.

They have learned well. I am a proud mother. I have done it.
Because the ultimate goal was always to raise them in one home.
One set of friends. One school to spend 13 years in. So that they
would have those friends from childhood that they remember for a
lifetime. Next Friday will be the culmination of that goal.

I wondered often if it was worth it, the struggle to keep this house
for them was huge years ago. Single parenting just sucks really.
But we also gained so much by being the Burke Tribe, strong the
four of us. As close as a parent and children can be and still
maintain respectful discipline and order. I am nostalgic over it all.
Thanks for listening…

Because this song was on AI last night….
and I cant get it out of my head…
Roberta Flack, The First Time… ever I saw your face.

——————
We are having a family day tomorrow because
Mother’s day was just pitiful for us all and we all feel robbed.
So we will do lunch with the kids and find Jan that perfect thing
that she so deserves. Not sure if we will return the chairs as
John Paul seemed highly upset at the idea. But Jan will get
something lovely from us all. Then Jan and I have dinner with
S and C again. It is S’s birthday so we should pick her something
up as well. We also need to buy Mary (Hilary’s Best friend)
a graduation gift.

Remind me to write of the two month hell in getting Jan and
Hilary a R*umor phone from Sp*rint. Geeze! (That is the last of
Hilary’s graduation gifts.) Jan gave it to her when she got home
from her successful choir competition the other night.
She was screaming… and immediately wanted to activate it.
They got green ones. Jan loves hers too.
So that is done…whew….after much crap from Sp*rint.
And I couldn’t even vent here because Hilary reads this blog!

5 Responses »

 

nada… Tuesday, May 13 2008

I got nothing really.
Just without thought or notion.
Glaring so bright I can barely see…
I can not write today here. Spent.

I leave you with a favorite
poem of Robert Frost’s

———————————
Into My Own
One of my wishes is that those dark trees,
So old and firm they scarcely show the breeze,
Were not, as ’twere, the merest mask of gloom,
But stretched away unto the edge of doom.

I should not be withheld but that some day
into their vastness I should steal away,
Fearless of ever finding open land,
or highway where the slow wheel pours the sand.

I do not see why I should e’er turn back,
Or those should not set forth upon my track
To overtake me, who should miss me here
And long to know if still I held them dear.

They would not find me changed from him they knew–
Only more sure of all I thought was true.
Robert Frost

———————–
Have a wonderful day all.
Off to take drugs for my exploding head.
See you tomorrow.

2 Responses »

 

Musically Wireless Monday, May 12 2008

Well mothers day went all to hell fast.
Shortly after saying I was going to work; my head
made other plans. So I spent the day with a migraine
from hell. In bed. Not even my new nightgown comforted
me LOL … by evening I was better with good drugs.
So we ordered Pizza…Then Kate called at 10 to say
she was going to be very late. We ended up opening
our presents from her, without her here so that Jan
could get to bed. It was almost midnight before
Kate got home.

But there was good in the day…
The children bought us this amazing toy!

Now the best part is that those speakers,
as you can see, are portable.
Each has a volume and off button on them.
They each have two speakers in them for stereo sound.
Which means, when I want to go elsewhere and have music,
I can just grab one and go. The other speaker, where ever
it is based, can be turned off so that people in that room
don’t have to listen to my tunes. Seriously don’t ya just love
technology?

Prior to this amazing machine, in order to listen to music
in the shower or bedroom we had to unplug and move our
upstairs boom box/cd player to each room. I have a stereo
in the living room and also a nice boom box in my studio.
I am spoiled with options now. Jan will enjoy this gift as well.

But I sort of feel bad as it is really geared toward my likes.
They spent too much on the item above and also two
brookstone beach chairs for our vacations. Problem is, they
are pretty big and we have small cars. I think I will broach
the subject of taking those back and finding something
that Jan would love with them. Lord knows she needs a
new ceiling illuminated alarm clock she can operate!
LOL. I don’t know, we will see.

In the mean time. I am in hog heaven with this system.
It is going downstairs with me today. The cool thing is,
anyone can pop their ipod into it and use it too.
No more changing cd’s every half hour downstairs!!!
Shuffle baby, just shuffle all day!!!
———————————–

I need my George W money to get here before vacation
in June. For many reasons but also because I need a new
camera! My digital camera, the 7 year old dinosaur it is
will not connect to any computer we have now.
I use the memory card from it in my computer’s card reader but
it doesn’t hold much and the laptop I will bring with me has
no card reader. To keep from buying film, I just want to
buy a new camera. They are relatively inexpensive and I
can still use the one I have for work use as I have been.

———————————–

So I am bummed about Survivor. I wanted someone
else to win. I hesitate to put the winner here, don’t want
to spoil it for anyone who hasn’t watched their DVR’s of it.
But it sucked. James did win fan favorite and walked away
with 100 thou. I am thrilled about that. But the true mastermind
of the women’s “take no prisoners” ploys were my favorites doing.

And was Natalie about to seduce Parvorti at tribal and do her on
the council floor or what? It was odd watching it, even for me.
I kept thinking Jeff was going to tell us they were a couple.
I believe Nat wants to be! It was such a lesbian final LOL

(does anyone like “The Mole”? Well it is coming back!
Not with Anderson Cooper, he is busy elsewhere.)
———————————-

Sent G a mother’s day wish email.
would love to get to know her some before we go there.
Laura is well, heard from her yesterday… I asked if she knew
my children’s names. Meaning have you listened…she did.
Which is more than even I can manage some days.
But a point was made and we talked it through.
She pulls away for her reasons and I, mine.
I am impatient, emotional and an ass most days.
But those around me love me anyway.
We continue to learn each other again.
hmmm.

——————
Ha! John Paul just walked in here with one of
the speakers… too funny! They are good kids!
Bab’s and Frank singing “I have got a crush on you”
as he walks… (this rocker son of mine)
I am dying laughing at him!

Got to go get my speaker back, he ran off with it!

edit:
I forgot, obviously, by this gift, John Paul has found
out that I “stole” his unused iPod and is more than
fine with it!

9 Responses »

 

Shaping me. Sunday, May 11 2008

I don’t wish to go into angst mode today over the
fact that it is Mother’s Day. My mom has been
gone for some time now. It’s been a week of
loss already and I just cant do it. She is
thought of and missed of course, of course…

But there has been too much angst and regret
in my life lately and I want it to end.
Or be put away at will in the least.

There are no special plans for today.
It is more than fine. I am tired of activity.
Hilary wont be home until late evening.
Kate works from 2 till 10 pm and John Paul
works as well. Jan will be at the hospital
7 to 7 today too. We will all meet here
tonight for a late celebration of our
years spent loving these children so
easily.

Kate is moving out and Hilary is finishing
high school, all before the month is out.
There is sadness and angst yet to come.
For today I want joy. And so I will go to
work.

———————

Happy Mother’s Day to you all because whether
or not you have given birth to a child, there
is someone in the world that you have parented
in some way. I know this because I was one of
those kids that was parented by many.
No, I wasn’t a foster child.

But my mother and I got along best if I took
frequent vacations. It was a gift really.
I learned to be an excellent visitor in
other homes. I learned to be helpful and
earn my keep. It ensured a longer stay.

I also found family in each place I was sent
or opted to go to. From early childhood with my
God Mother Mary, to friends homes where I would
stay a week or more. It was normal for me.
I didn’t know that all children didn’t do this
for a long time. Over nights yes, but not a week
at a time.

I learned then that it does take a village.
In my case, it was a very good thing.
Many in my village shaped who I am today.
For that gift I thank them all.

From early on to today. Teachers, friends,
therapists, mothers of friends, lovers,
all of them. In me. Shaping me each day so
wonderfully. Sisters by choice, parents to
each other at times, loving guides through
life. Mothers every one.

My Mother.
Mary Evert
Miss Garten
Sharon Rosenburg
Sandy Martinez
Dotty Banks
Marlene
Laura
Cathy
Gwen
Sherry
Jan

Roxy,
Jaded
Carie,
Traci,
Pat,
Jenny,
Kimmy,
Judith,
Carol
and more…

All my love to each of you.
My profound thanks for loving me so sweetly
and not so sweetly. For being willing to take
me in, for teaching me and guiding me on the
road less traveled I tend to tread upon.

It is my stubborn way, but you come along
with me anyway. It is why you are so adored,
each of you. Thank you,
Just Thank you.

A

—————————–

Does anyone hear from Lightfeather?
If so, please wish her well for me
and say hi please. I have been thinking
of her. Sending the blog link is fine too.

—————————–

The Solitude piece is sold! Now I have to
get it finished and shipped. OH! and did I
mention that Jan got a great raise? It wasn’t
even a pitiful insulting raise. We were very
pleased. It’s about time, as she does so much
extra there and gets nothing for it most of
the time. The extra amount she was given over
and above what others got is a wonderful
compliment to her.

—————————-

Jan, because I know you will read
this at 5:30 am when you wake to go once again
to give it your all. Happy Mother’s Day Love.

Thank you for loving them, for being someone
I knew from the first minute I could trust to
not only care for them, but my cake in the oven
as well. Even though you did leave the cake in
the oven a little long. When I returned, the kids
were fine, as I knew they would be.

To thank you, I kissed you that first time there
on the deck that day we met. Forward wasn’t I?
I haven’t changed and neither have you.

You are still that loving mother I married twice
for good measure. My heart lives within you and
yours inside me. You are an amazing mother.
“Thy people shall be my people”

(the pups say happy mommy’s day too!)
I love you Fred.

—————————–
Have a wonderful day all.
(And thanks to my men readers too!)

(someone else just emailed me and wants the piece
that I just sold. Solitude.
I told her I could make another, but very different.
I suggested she tell me where she goes to have
that peace and I would put the figure there.
Will let you know! How exciting!)

10 Responses »

 

Friends and children Saturday, May 10 2008

Hilary is in Gatlinburg Tennessee. (two hours away)
Her and the entire show choir are celebrating.
They won their final competition, first place
state wide!!!
It is the one she has worked so hard on lately.
She has lost 30 pounds in the process too.
She was just screaming on the phone, so happy.
I adore it when my kids are ecstatic! She will be
home tomorrow night.

Kate dropped the “I’m moving out on my own” bomb again.
Those that have read here a while will know that this comes
up periodically. The last time, she actually did leave and moved
to Atlanta with friends for six months. But she slept on their
couch, never moved a thing out of her room. Never looked
for a job really. Just drank a lot of coffee and rode the
subway for six months until her money ran out.

This time she put in for a job transfer, the store is four blocks
from her apartment. She will be sharing it with her friend Carie.
Carie and Ryan broke up and he is moving away. Kate will take
over his portion of the rent and utilities. It sounds like this time
it may be for real. I refuse to feel angst over any of it.
It is a good thing. The last time this came up, she had just come
home and we had once again pulled her out of a financial mess.
This time I told her she better be sure, because her room was
soon to be turned into something else. Meaning, she isn’t going to
go off and party for six months again and then move home when
the money is gone. Moving back here has to be a last resort.

I will allow that she has grown and changed this past year.
I have all the hope in the world for her. She acted scared when
she told us at dinner the other night. Sure I would be angry.
The last time she told us all this (and it never happened)
we had just decided to allow me to work on my art at home.
Finances were tight and her rent was needed. Two kids pay
200 a month rent for their rooms/board now that they are over
20 and not going to college any time soon. (Not Hilary as she is
college bound) That money has been handy but hardly life altering
or of any real help considering the expense of people in ones home.
So she told us the other night and sat waiting for my objection.
I had none. Go!! was what I thought but I actually let her stew
in it and said nothing much at all. I am so mean!
I finally talked to her about it all last night. She is very excited
and really seems to have her head on straight this time.

——————————-
Let me describe our back yard; in order to
set the stage for this next tid bit of riveting news.
Think a 45 degree steep down hill grade. Large but unusable.
We have a few trees out there, grape vines and a lot of
grass to mow. We live in a neighborhood but these hills are
filled with streams and dry creek beds in the gulley’s of the hills.
Lovely really, surrounded by woods which get more dense as
the years pass. Our backyard is now surrounded by a thick
grove of woods. Leaving our second story deck off
the kitchen pretty well private.

We laid out yesterday to get a bit of sun on our very white
bodies. I wore one of my new suits, scary sight really.
Jan put a towel over the glass front door and left a note
for the kids that read. (they were out shopping)
“Do Not come in this way, we are naked on the deck.”
I swear, my shy spouse stripped and laid out there nude!
Now, one would think, since I am the instigator of most sexual
activity around here that I would have taken advantage of the
whole situation. Alas I am also as old as dirt and have stomach
issues that kept me miserable all afternoon.
So lets review.

My shy spouse grows some balls and lays prone and nude on
my secluded deck. (My God she was beautiful there too.)
But, I can do nothing about that fine sight.
Life sucks I tell you!

——————————–
Laura and G are in boat mode.
Preparing it for their winter trips. Very busy, too busy really
for their age of 63 probably. But it seems to make them
happy and keep them well. Laura sent more pictures and
newspapers of the area. Still wanting us to come I guess.

I could have written her about Paula or any number of
happenings around here. I could have used her ear and
shoulder several times. But I don’t feel like it is there.
I don’t think she has much interest in it.

Maybe what she has learned of me has only told her that
she doesn’t want to know me. My life is crazy and not the
peaceful existence she shares with G.

Today will be the day she happens by here, and will be
hurt that I should be so openly honest.
How dare I be real here in my space. But I do dare.
Because I am sick of not being real here now.
But really, I cant win either way.
It was never about quantity. Just quality replies.

——————————
On another front, my two students often tell me how poor
they are. Each visit, at least twice they tell me this.
They use most all of my supplies, though they do bring rocks
and their own items to do mosaic on. Jill did buy a bit of glass
the last time we went. But for the most part, my studio,
my supplies, tools, glue, grout, etc… My time free to them.

I ordered Leps (nipping tool, 22 dollars) for Jill because she
is so poor. She will pay for them as she can. But yesterday
I get an email saying she isn’t going to be in town to come
and pick them up. They are off to Atlanta until Monday.
hmmm three days in Atlanta when I was told they have no car
that will make the trip. I need to be less giving and more
selfish I think. Maybe they got their money from george w.
Jan did. I have not, yet, as I had to paper file.
———————————

So I’m pretty sure someone pissed in my corn flakes today.
But I don’t feel angst over any of it.
Sort of resigned to it all.

I am feeling fine, I gained 4 pounds since the old
gallbladder came out and food is good again.
So I need to be more cautious now.
And exercise more, which I have also let slide.
Depression maybe.. you think?

pfft, I’ll make art and work through it.
It’s all good. Maybe it’s just time to stand up for
me. To say what is real for ME. To not worry what
will happen because of my being real and asking for
what I need. I am a fine person. Their loss.
———————————–

Off to pay bills and such, have a great one all.

Congrats Hilary, I am so proud of you!
All of you; you did it!!!!

3 Responses »

 

The passion of it all. Friday, May 9 2008

I have felt stifled. As if to write what I
want or create what I want,
consequences for it all are doled out.

Loss of friends? WTF? Then you don’t
know me at all frankly. Why is that?
Because maybe you never took the time to
learn who I am, I say in reply.

Why must some other meaning be read into each
thing I create? Either in written form, painting
or mosaic form. Why does it have to be about
someone or something, can they not just be my
passion in general coming forth?

The truth of Dance With Me is that it was
to be a statement on Lesbian love.
The wall behind those women was a door
in my eye as I drew it. The frame of it remains.
I couldn’t take it out.

I set out to say something about the need
to hide our passion behind closed doors, secrets.
When what I want is to shout it from rooftops.
I adore you! I long for you all the time.
I will feel that passion for you anywhere and everywhere,
against a wall, behind a door, in the forest and far beyond it.
Feel it with me!

All that screamed inside me as I drew it.
But in the end, the door knob was removed and a wall
was built in it’s place. Because my fear of those
consequences got in the way of what I wanted to say.
And so, they dance….
passionately and with bold stokes of color.
They are there.

——————————–

Dance With Me. Sing out loud. Feel the tingle
of it. Allow it in, let it grow to bursting.
Pick flowers in the morning dew with bare feet,
while wearing gowns that flow in the breeze…
LIVE!!

7 Responses »

 

working hard at it Thursday, May 8 2008

I finished Dance With Me.
It’s really good. If I do say so myself!

and I also started Solitude.
well it is actually almost finished too.

It seems it wants to be night, but a comforting
darkness with a full moon to light the sky.
I like it.

I just worked quietly late into the night
and was up at 7 to go and get Kate from work,
so I was able to get back to it early today too.
Mojo’ing all over the place.

Jan and I are going to play a game now I think.
Jan and John Paul mowed this morning while
I worked some more. I just needed to.
Now it looks like rain, so a perfect afternoon
for doing nothing much sounds like a great idea.

Thanks for your thoughts everyone.
All is well.
Have a great day!

5 Responses »

 

I hold my friend. Thursday, May 8 2008

She wasn’t the friendliest person.
Prone to drama and rages.
Several here in my home even.
But there was good in her too.

Listen, she died, but I still wont lie.
She was a troubled soul.
I hope she can now finally rest.
What I know is that she was loved and she loved Becky.
That was all that ever mattered to me.

We cared for her and love her spouse of ten years.
We have had a connection to Becky since day one.
We all met when Jan and I went home for my sister’s
wedding. They also know my sister, Paula did.
Becky was new to my sister too. We all got to know
each other and all future visits included meals and
visits with them as well. They came here a couple of
times too. On their way through to somewhere else.

And so today we mourn her and wish for the time
and funds to be able to go there and support our
friend during this time of unexplainable grief.

Paula died the way she had planned to. At home.
Two days on hospice and she is gone.
Becky is strong. Amazing really. Both families are
there supporting her. Putting her first.
Becky says that Paula’s mom wrote the obit
which will be in the Holland Sentinel tomorrow.
A temporary one is there today.
(actually I guess it is tomorrow as I write this, it’s 2 am)

The mother in law had a hard time accepting their
relationship. But through the years she grew and changed.
She learned to give Becky and the relationship the respect
they all deserve, and showed it by writing of Becky as her
partner today.
Not a lie, as is the norm in this very religious town.
Bravo Paula’s Mom.
It is what she would have wanted you to do.

I am surprisingly very upset by it all.
I am not sure why. It just takes me to all the
people that once lived there that I have lost.
And the people that still do live all around there
that are no part of my life now. It is a sad place to
me now. I don’t look forward to even passing through it.
The more I think of it, the less I want to.

This is not my loss really, and am looking for no
condolences to come my way. I just needed to
write it so maybe I can sleep now.
I worry about my friend tonight sleeping alone.
I wish to hold her close and listen while she cries.
Good night. Sleep Becky.

Obit

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Gowns and friends, plus Wednesday, May 7 2008

I was born in the wrong era.
I am a Victorian woman. Not one of those
afraid of messing their hair. I would have been
involved in women’s suffrage issues. I would
have rocked boats and ended up jailed for it.

My home was a Queen Anne. I am sure of it.
I love the full length skirts of the time, the cotton
shirts and full aprons. Remember a while ago I was
searching for that nightgown I had but was thread bare.
I finally found one close to it, but when it came it was
very heavy. It fit fine, though Jan bought a smaller size
than I thought I should have. It is beautiful and perfect
for winter, just lovely really. But thick and heavy!

So I searched more. The Vermont Country store has
my kind of gowns! I ordered this…

Thin muslin and it is heaven! And it has buttons!!
In the forty dollar range, not too bad.
Jan was especially pleased… just sayin…

So today I did another search because
I am still looking for a more lacy version.
I found it! But it is 70 dollars. So I sent an email
to my entire family as a hint for a birthday gift. LOL
My presents from Jan is the trip this summer.
But those kids need an idea. I am sure they do.
I have enough yard art thank you.

This is it, just everything that speaks to the
victorian lady in me. There is a robe too.
But I’m not going to be greedy!

It is odd how tickled I am about the idea of it.

———————————–
A and K our friends who are trying to have a baby,
got pregnant, but at the first ultrasound, there was
no heart beat. They are of course devastated.
They will try again. This happened when I was in
the hospital. I was no comfort at all.

———————————
Total for my little vacation with bad food?
60,000 or right at it. Sigh.
———————————

We sat in this office last night and listened
to the entire album I spoke of here
yesterday. I believe Jan now has claimed it
for her car. It isn’t the first CD we have two of.
When she moved here, we found we had
many of the same cd’s, she leans toward country,
me more show tunes. But also many alike.
It’s wonderful really. I adore sharing music with her.

————————————
As predicted, a few of my flickr friends are having
a hard time with the latest piece. This is evident by
their silence. Ah well, maybe they learned something too.
I wont take it down.

I find it amazing that instead of saying, wow,
that is more than I can handle (whether it is a work
of art or writing) people just slink away silently waiting
for something less honest to be said or created before
they come around again. I am not sure I will ever
understand it. Probably because I have always been
so boldly there. Well not always, as a child I was
very shy. I learned to keep my creations to myself.

It wasn’t until I ended my straight marriage that I became
the take no prisoners artist I am now, in whatever form I
choose. Art or writing. I try so hard to be real here and
within my work. The silence used to bother me, but with
help from many here, I have learned to allow those other
people to be who they are. Often that means no feedback,
and that has to be okay with me.
——————————

I’m teaching today. Gonna encourage Jill to stop
over thinking each step and just do it. She is killing
me with indecision. Two hours to pick a color on Saturday!
Come on girl… lets move forward!
Have a great day all.

For Shaney, one of the best Bette songs ever.
A favorite of mine.

In this life.
By the way, my daughter Hilary was named for the
character Barbara Hershey played in Beaches
along side Bette.
——————————–

On my desk this morning, a note again from my beloved.
It just says “I love you ATB”
It means everything.

I had to add,
yesterday I went to wallyworld and bought Jan the same
5 and 8 pound weight balls I have and two
floor mats as well. (she was hogging mine!)
anyway as I checked out the cashier challenged me in a way.
She looked at the items and then at me and said,
“are you going to use them”?
Yeah!! I know!
My reply, “75 pounds down says so.” at which point
she changed her tune, I was no longer the fat woman who
was buying stuff she would not use. I was doing it and
somehow better for it. I wanted to say what I thought,
but I do try to be nice in public.
I came home mad as hell!
———————————–

1pm, just got a call from Holland,
Paula died today.
Please keep Becky in your thoughts.

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