My Mother Haunts Me With A Song

My Mom died in January 2003.
She had been sick for only a short time in comparison
to others who died of her illness.She found a lump,
actually a thought to be pulled musclein her arm.
They did radiation for a time. It burned her horribly.
Chemo did nothing to stop the progression.
It was her time as they say.

We lived 12 hours apart by car.
She lived in Michigan, I live in Georgia.
I couldn’t be there for all the horror.
My family blames me for that. I didn’t call as much as expected.
I couldn’t handle the fact that I was losing someone I barely knew.

We didn’t get along well, my Mother and I.
I moved away for a reason.
But God I loved her and feared her.
For all my life I longed to know her, and for her to know me as well.

The minute she died, as I drove toward her death bed,
a song I had come to love played on my car stereo.
I knew then that she was gone.
I don’t know how, but I knew.
The call minutes later confirmed that.

She chose to be cremated, an unusual choice in her area of the world.
One I admire and respect.
The Memorial service included a DVD of pictures of my Mother as a teen,
a young woman, a Mother, a cancer patient.
Set to the very song that played as she died.

Months later a check came, a small gift from my
estranged Sister through my Mothers “estate”.
Jan took it to the bank for us.
And yes the song played.

Recently Jan and I were Married, as married as the state will allow,
this time, I played that song for my Mother.

To call her near, to forgive, to be forgiven, to profess my love.
I wish I had been someone she knew…
but maybe she knows me now.And that will have to be enough.