Oh my goodness, you are Gay ?
June 9, 2005
The above picture is actually a wedding favor
Katherine created for our ceremony.
We were discussing reactions to people finding
out we are gay on another blog and I remembered
the urgency in which these magnets were snatched up at
our ceremony. People still have them on their lockers
and refrigerators years later.
Contrary to the title of this entry I have
never heard those words.
More often than not when a new employee
comes into my work area, whether it be male or
female I will find a way to let them know I
am lesbian pretty darned quick.
I used to let people get to know me and then
ease into the hints of who I am.
Now I am just so up front about it.
I use humor more often than not to tell people who I am.
It lets them know that I am not telling them some
deep dark secret. That I am happily letting them in on who I am.
Conversations often evolve like the following:
The women in the area will be discussing
the merits of some man, I’ll agree and state,
I may be lesbian but I still recognize a handsome man.
This is usually met with a moment in which you can
actually see that persons mind taking in what
I have just said. Followed by a hearty laugh.
Later, after the now in the know person
has had time to get to know me and to think,
they will state some pretty pat lines for
straight folks.
1. I have a lot of gay friends
2. Love the sinner hate the sin
3. I don’t agree with it, but I like you.
4. I don’t want to shoved in my face,
but hey you and Jan are a great couple !
I have been blessed with many Christians
who completely love Jan and I.
They love spending time with us and would be
so devastated should anything happen to us.
Sadly in searching around last night and
clicking links to other blogs I found the blog
of a teen who recently came out to his parents.
They have enrolled him in a day camp to help him
get over being gay.
Zach’s Blog
http://blog.myspace.com/specialkid
This is no ordinary day camp.
The blog lists all the rules and regulations
the “clients” are to abide by.
It just all made me sick.
This child is being forced to do this.
Also listed are rules for the parents.
Such as:
1. No discussing therapeutic issues at home.
Keep conversations positive.
2. Clients are to be picked up from the
LIA office no later than 5:00pm each weekday.
3. Respect all Love In Action and Refuge rules.
If you do not understand them, support
the program in front of client at all times
and gain clarification from LIA staff.
Do not sabotage or defocus your client.
4. Don’t allow client to split your family.
Unite to present stability and unity.
5. Your client is not allowed to talk to anyone
outside of your home including friends or family.
Do not tell client who has called for them or who
is asking about them. Keep the thoughts of the
client focused on his/her treatment.
6. The family needs interactive time together.
It is very important that togetherness is the
priority during this time. The client does not
need extended time alone or with only one family member.
The only exception is for Refuge clients who are
from out-of-town and staying with a significant
guardian while here.
7. Family dinner is encouraged to occur at
least four times weekly.
8. The client is expected to cook dinner
at least one time weekly.
9. The client is expected to complete
a weekly cleaning regimen to your satisfaction.
10. Parents/guardians are asked to make themselves
available for any special meetings deemed necessary
for the successful treatment of their loved ones.
11. If there is an Open Meeting during Refuge Program,
parents/guardians are asked to attend to enhance
their involvement with Refuge. Open meetings are
held the first Tuesday of each month at 7:30pm at
Kirby Woods Baptist Church (on the corner of
Poplar Ave. and Massey; entrance is located at
the ground floor on the east side of building entrance).
Consequences for Parents Rule Violation:
1. Constructive criticism from the group.
2. Ten to thirty-page written paper on rule violation.
3. Program dismissal. This does not need to be addressed
with the client (The client may sabotage his/her
own program due to purposeful dismissal consequences).
4. Isolation from the group.
http://www.loveinaction.org/ …Love in Action.org
I can only say… this poor child.
Will he ever be able to forgive?
Would you ?
Hey Annie,
Have you ever seen the splendiferous film “But I’m a Cheerleader,” about a girl who gets wisked away to ex-gay camp? It sounds exactly like the place you’re talking about.
I’ve seen that movie! And I was just gonna mention it! A friend of mine is always getting emails from one of these camps and just the emails torture him…I would NEVER forgive my parents for doing that…
ick..
-L
Child abuse? That is just what it sounds like to me. When my children were growning up I would tell them, “There is nothing the world that you could do that would ever make me stop loving you.” I think Zach’s parents should step back and consider loving him for who he is. I’m glad I didn’t put any restrictions on my children and allowed them to grow as they were…warts and all!
OhmyGods, that poor kid. That poor kid. That poor kid. I don’t know how on earth to help. I want to give him Daphne Scholinski’s book, the Last Time I Wore a Dress, but really, I want to sic my wife on him. (After she’s done with her villain, of course.)
I went from smiling at your party favor and being slightly jealous of it to choking back tears.
OhmyGods!
Blessed be!
That is so sad.
From those rules, however, it is clear that they are brainwashing the kids. They are not allowed to talk to their friends because their friends would tell them they’re cared about for who they are, perhaps let them move in with them, etc. God forbid this poor kid actually feel good about himself.
People really need to figure it out…
Unbelievably sad what this poor boy is being put through. Wish I could wrap my arms around him and let him know that there are bunches of us out here who love him just the way he is. I’m crying for him.
-drifter
And this kid’s parents love him? It’s just horrible. Thanks for the head’s up on the links Annie. You’re the best!
If this camp is successful, maybe it’s founders will open a “you’re not really Black camp.”
Makes just as much sense.
gina
http://findingmygroove.blog-city.com
This is horrible…and they wonder why there are school shootings…
ANY camps like this end up being dangerous. Read http://www.63days.com. It’s the story of a girl named Alli and her experinces with “camps.”
And, um…I’m straight, and I DO have alot of gay friends. So, what’s the right way to say it?
Love the sinner, hate the sin is for all of us, because we’re all sinners.
Who cares whether I “agree with it?” It’s not up to me to agree or disagree. If I like you, I like you, period. There’s no “but” involved.
I don’t want to see hetero couples all over each other in public either. The genders of those involved isn’t the issue for me. It’s about the lack of respect for those around you when you clearly “need a room.” Showing affection is something different, and I’m cool with that.
That’s all I have to say about that.
ANY camps like this end up being dangerous. Read http://www.63days.com. It’s the story of a girl named Alli and her experinces with “camps.”
And, um…I’m straight, and I DO have alot of gay friends. So, what’s the right way to say it?
Love the sinner, hate the sin is for all of us, because we’re all sinners.
Who cares whether I “agree with it?” It’s not up to me to agree or disagree. If I like you, I like you, period. There’s no “but” involved.
I don’t want to see hetero couples all over each other in public either. The genders of those involved isn’t the issue for me. It’s about the lack of respect for those around you when you clearly “need a room.” Showing affection is something different, and I’m cool with that.
That’s all I have to say about that.
ANY camps like this end up being dangerous. Read http://www.63days.com. It’s the story of a girl named Alli and her experinces with “camps.”
And, um…I’m straight, and I DO have alot of gay friends. So, what’s the right way to say it?
Love the sinner, hate the sin is for all of us, because we’re all sinners.
Who cares whether I “agree with it?” It’s not up to me to agree or disagree. If I like you, I like you, period. There’s no “but” involved.
I don’t want to see hetero couples all over each other in public either. The genders of those involved isn’t the issue for me. It’s about the lack of respect for those around you when you clearly “need a room.” Showing affection is something different, and I’m cool with that.
That’s all I have to say about that.
ANY camps like this end up being dangerous. Read http://www.63days.com. It’s the story of a girl named Alli and her experinces with “camps.”
And, um…I’m straight, and I DO have alot of gay friends. So, what’s the right way to say it?
Love the sinner, hate the sin is for all of us, because we’re all sinners.
Who cares whether I “agree with it?” It’s not up to me to agree or disagree. If I like you, I like you, period. There’s no “but” involved.
I don’t want to see hetero couples all over each other in public either. The genders of those involved isn’t the issue for me. It’s about the lack of respect for those around you when you clearly “need a room.” Showing affection is something different, and I’m cool with that.
That’s all I have to say about that.
ANY camps like this end up being dangerous. Read http://www.63days.com. It’s the story of a girl named Alli and her experinces with “camps.”
And, um…I’m straight, and I DO have alot of gay friends. So, what’s the right way to say it?
Love the sinner, hate the sin is for all of us, because we’re all sinners.
Who cares whether I “agree with it?” It’s not up to me to agree or disagree. If I like you, I like you, period. There’s no “but” involved.
I don’t want to see hetero couples all over each other in public either. The genders of those involved isn’t the issue for me. It’s about the lack of respect for those around you when you clearly “need a room.” Showing affection is something different, and I’m cool with that.
That’s all I have to say about that.
ANY camps like this end up being dangerous. Read http://www.63days.com. It’s the story of a girl named Alli and her experinces with “camps.”
And, um…I’m straight, and I DO have alot of gay friends. So, what’s the right way to say it?
Love the sinner, hate the sin is for all of us, because we’re all sinners.
Who cares whether I “agree with it?” It’s not up to me to agree or disagree. If I like you, I like you, period. There’s no “but” involved.
I don’t want to see hetero couples all over each other in public either. The genders of those involved isn’t the issue for me. It’s about the lack of respect for those around you when you clearly “need a room.” Showing affection is something different, and I’m cool with that.
That’s all I have to say about that.
It’s really unfair, you know. When I have a job, and meet someone new, it’s not like I have to slide in anything about my sexuality to them. Just because you are in love with someone who has the same underneath the clothes bits as you, that has nothing to do with your job performance. But, I do know, you have to do it. It’s how the world is, even if I don’t agree with it. One of my mother’s sayings used to be the infamous, ‘As long as they don’t try to turn me, I don’t care what they do’. Now, due to gay issues being more common in the world, she’s moved on to the, ‘I just can’t believe people would…DO.. that sort of thing’. Followed by -the face-. Some things I will never understand about the world.
Everyone says we live in such an advanced world, and yet there are things happening like the guy in the blog you posted. How is the world advanced when that crap is happening.
I just can’t understand it. It makes me so sad, seriously.
That poor kid. I think that’s the sickest thing I’ve ever heard about, like thought control, or some POW brainwashing camp. His parents should lose custody of him.
I just read his blog and I can not believe a parent would act that way, my daughter is 10 and I don’t care what her sexual prefrence is she is my baby and I would stand by her and protect her the very very best I could, man I wish I could adopt that little guy, aghhh people frustrate me
What those parents are doing is not love.Unconditional love does not do that to a child. To a young one or an old one. My heart goes out to Zach and all the Zach’s that are missing the love they deserve. I wish I could give them all a hug and let them know just how loved they are. Just for being them! Nothing more, nothing less.
I tried to find blog.myspace.com/specialkid but my browser and EarthLink couldn’t find it. Perhaps I spelled something incorrectly.
The camp you describe is an “abomination in the sight of the Lord.” A jewish friend once liked to use that phrase. I like it, too, even though I’m not jewish or even religious.
Until I got to know some gay men, I never gave the matter any thought as to whether gayness is a choice or something that is permanently impressed on a person. Although I’ve met a few, I’ve never gotten to know any gay (i.e., lesbian) women. Gay men that I know have a wide range of personalities, from a somewhat obnoxious aggressiveness to a somewhat pathetic passiveness. That is, they are just like other men in all other respects.
I enjoy reading your stuff. It’s appealing.
Poor Zach.
In his parents effort to ‘make him straight’ they just may end up with a serial killer. Those fundies just never give up. They don’t even allow classical music!
No television viewing, going to movies, or reading/watching/listening to secular media of any kind, anywhere within the client¹s and the parent¹s/guardian¹s control. This includes listening to classical or instrumental music that is not expressly Christian (Beethoven, Bach, etc. are not considered Christian). The only exception to the media policy is the weekly movie.
Since when is classical music gay?
Oh my..what next?
Annie,
I just “got” your comment ! when i read it in my mail i couldnt figure it out for the life of me =)
O.K. SOMEONE HAS TO HELP ZACK!
Isnt there an organization for Gay youth or some group somewhere that could step in and at least advocate for him?
Namaste,
MB
I just left this at Zach’s journal. I thought very hard about it, but think someone needed to put this idea to him.
When you can see this, honey, please think about legal emancipation. It requires a lot of hard work, but after what you will be going through at LIA, it will be an absolute piece of cake. Hopefully, you will be able to find someone else to live with (do you know anyone like that)? It helped my wife, it has helped other queer kids, and it is definitely worth thinking about.
What it is with rules by states:
http://usmarriagelaws.com/search/united_states/emancipation_of_minors/index.shtml
Stay strong, stay proud, stay your special self.
Remember who you are. Hold it close.
*hugs*
Blessed be,
Jayelle
thanks to everyone who replied to Zach. (and here for that matter)
Thanks for the recommended reading too Thomas. I’ll check it out.
Jaded, I didn’t mean to offend..
Maybe I should take a blogging break.
My beautiful L’Ailee just finished composing this to him:
Hi, Zach.
You seem like a nice boy who deserves much better than this. But most teenagers do. I could not finish reading those rules. They are very controlling. I have heard of many groups that claim to help gay teenagers to become straight but this is the very worst by far. I have heard of teenagers who commit rapes who are treated better than this. I am being serious. Obviously they are not real psychologists. They should not be trusted with a dog for the weekend, never mind a person. But I’m sure you know all of that by now.
Jayelle is my wife. She is right about emancipation and that is a good web site. She is also right about the interrogation. I was in rehab for alcohol because that was a real problem for me. I heard kids make up outrageous stories simply because they wanted something to tell the counselor. DON’T DO THAT. Whatever you tell at this place may go elsewhere. Do not say anything that you do not want in a newspaper about you.
But I want to tell you that I got emancipated because I have no other family in America. My parents and I came from Russia. Emancipated means that you will be treated as an adult before you are one. This means you will need a job to support yourself. It may seem fun to live by yourself but it makes school very hard. Its difficult in every way. (I say that to let you know. I know this is difficult too.) I could not have done it without an adult friend who was kind to me. If you have family here who are better than your parents, you should ask them first. Even if it means you move, you will be better off. It is not as if you will be able to talk to your friends where you are now.
Another thing to think about is an older adult who can be trusted like a teacher. If you have any teachers you can trust, you should tell them about this group. They may find you help. Best is to live with a woman. Because you are a young gay boy, a single man or a male couple will be suspected of bad motives if they let you live with them. Unfortunately men always are even when they are only kind people. But the worst is to just run away. I know you will want to but please don’t. Too many young gay boys run away. I wonder how many were in programs like this one. I have seen nice gay boys like you become prostitutes or criminals. Please do not let your parents do that to you. You need to think about your own best interests because clearly they are not.
You should print a copy of these rules. Try not to print from your blog. Print from a more official source or make a copy of what your parents got. That will be evidence. Most people are not this homophobic and they will understand that something is wrong. Even most homophobes are not this mean. When they read that you can not even listen to classical music, they will understand. What is wrong is not that your parents are homophobic. Many parents get upset when their child does something that they disagree with, that is normal. What is wrong is that they are isolating you so that you can believe the cruel things that they are saying. Please remember that this is the purpose of that program’s rules, to keep you away from any positive messages.
Be strong. Even if you have to hide your real self, remember what that is like. Also remember that this time in your life will not last forever even if it feels like it will never end. This is a big world with many places where you can be your true self. I am sure you can see that now thanks to everybody here.
–L’Ailee
I think she used up all her words for the weekend on him, but there’s some damned good advice in there, I think.
Blessed be!
This is for you annie and no one else. I agree with you that sometimes you are writing for everyone else. If it feels that way take a break. Get your head back on and wait til it feels right. The deep part to me on my post and the comments made me see that I am writing for me. It shows when someone finds out that by reading my blog because this is stuff that you dont see in everyday life. Emotions, feelings, the soul. All the raw material that you are. This comment is from me to you. Not about your post. If you need a break take it. We will all still be here and waiting for you. Friends do that. If this didnt make much sense, I apologize.
I miss you Annie. Please come back. This is your home. If others are uncomfortable, it is not your fault.
I love you Annie.
Lightfeather
OK EVERYONE, HELP ME OUT HERE
, Annie is thinking about quitting her blog. I love reading about your life and love reading your words. You have met new friends here and get to hear what they have to say about you. Please dont leave! You are a wonderful person and I think it would hurt alot of people to see you go.
Wow I really am out of the loop, I don’t know what prompted Annie’s decision to leave the blogging community but it makes me very sad..
Please come back..
-Laura