Denial, Fear, Loneliness, Freedom

The four words of this title describe what life
was like for this lesbian at different stages of
coming out.

I am urged to write about this after an odd
influx of lesbian staff in my work place.
At each turn I am told about or sense myself
the truth of various women around me.

I can not name them even if only using initials
for fear of outing them without permission.
Too many people who know me in the work place
read this blog.

When I came out in the 70’s and found myself in a
would be relationship with a fellow high school student.
I was cautious. She was terrified.
We were only as intimate as she would allow in private.
The relationship was short lived but lovely.
I will forever remember loving Beth.

My first long term, moved away from home relationship
lasted 7 years. I was 18 at the start, CB was 35.
She walked into a room and I was drawn to her type.
Too young to know to date properly, we immediately
moved in together. She was out to her family.
Although the general public was never allowed to know.
Even in openly gay areas she refused to hold hands or
embrace in any way. I felt the shame in being gay that
was intended by the rules.
I could never reconcile myself with gay pride when I
was being taught to hide who I was. In the end I had
to leave. For that reason and many others.
She was a lovely caring person with truckloads of baggage
that I wasn’t strong enough to help her carry.

After years of an ill fated marriage which failed to
solve all the problems with shame. Which instead only
magnified what a lie I had lived and the realization
that I had traded one lie for another, I opted to be alone.

Nice years of intimate moments with women that could
be counted on one hand. I stated I was A-sexual.
I lived that life daily.
Happily raising my children with no shame.
No chance to be hurt. I lied about missing human touch.
Until I was ready to stop the lies.

Jan was that answer but before I allowed her in
I had to know just how closeted she wished to be.
I refused to teach my children shame through my
love for her. They accepted me and loved her in
short order. There were times when they voiced
concern that friends would tease them.
Happily that has never been the case.

I taught them to be up front about who we are.
If you hide the fact that you have two moms, when
the truth is found out it reads as shame.
It is then that you are ripe for teasing.
You give them ammunition to do so.
The kids are not only comfortable but choose on
their own write about and adopt gay issues as their own.

If I had continued to live in denial in high school
I would have never been made stronger by being real.

If I had allowed fear to rule me when I was with CB
I would have never been able to leave in order to
find me.

If I had continued to force loneliness upon me.
My children would never had learned about marital love.
The in’s and out’s. The compromise and care.
The arguments that can be solved.
The affection spouses genuinely show.
The exquisite freedom that comes from allowing yourself
to be who you truly are.
Lesbian and proud. No shame, no regret.
Pure love for my life and my family.

What I would have missed if fear and shame
ruled me.
For those who are where I once was.
Afraid to tell… afraid to be honest.

Know that the reactions to the initial telling
isn’t the end of the growth. Sadly some families
never come around and accept.
More often than not, you will someday hear the
words you dreamed they would say.
“I don’t care… I love you just the same.”

Believe.
Give your family a chance to know
who you really are. It may hurt for a time.
It may also go much easier than you ever
thought it could. You will never know which
is true for your family unless you try.
Be free.

(edit: uploaded Kate’s graduation photos in flickr)