The Straight Life 4

We had traveled from Michigan to Georgia
for a family reunion with JPB’s family
on the day I found out I was going to
have Katherine. The family was horrified that
I should be pregnant again. I was thrilled.

I wanted my children to be close together in age.
There was never any question that I would have
as many as I could live through.
I was limited to how many times I could go
through a C-section. I hated that the choice
was not mine to make.

Baby John was too small to know what was happening,
but towards the end he caught on that he was to
have a new baby. I never wanted to know the sex
of my children before they arrived.
There are so few surprises. I enjoyed having this one.

JPB was pretty numb through the second pregnancy.
He was supportive as far as accompanying me to
appointments, but was distant generally to me
personally. I have to admit to not showing him much
affection either. I was in love with being a mother and
worked hard each day at learning all I could.
I read everything possible, watched all television shows
that dealt with childhood education. I was going to
be super mom. My children would know the best of the world.

I didn’t care that JPB was gone a lot of the time.
I was consumed with making babies. My son had a head of
curly red hair that people admired. I refused to cut it
until it was so long that he was mistaken for a girl.
My mother in law on a visit north decided to take it upon
herself to cut his hair. I came home from work and went
ballistic on her. JPB of course sided with his mom.
Each time this happened I loved him less.

Katherine arrived to no great fan fair. It was another
scheduled delivery, which at that point was welcome.
It was early March, we had just moved into a small house
a half a mile from the apartment we had lived in.
I loved making it a home. A small old fashioned cradle
sat in my living room waiting for Katie Lyn to arrive.
She was an easy baby, independent from the start.

JPB brought John to the hospital after Kate arrived.
he fell immediately in love. Each visitor to our house
was taken by his little hand to Kate’s cradle as he said.
Come see, see my baby sister in his 14 month old way.
Each time she whimpered he ran to her. It upset him
that she slept so much of the time. He wanted her to play.
To this day they are the best of friends. More like twins
than any two kids I have known.

JPB’s parents came to visit after Kate’s birth.
We had a nice time. His mom was helpful if not a
bit bossy as to how I was to care for my baby.
But all in all I enjoyed their time with us.
I then made another dumb mistake that I can not regret.
Because regret means that nothing that happened
afterwards, would have been mine without the mistake.

We decided in another moment of insanity to move
ourselves to Georgia. I had been struggling with
getting along with my family. Many childhood memories
were haunting me with being near my birth family.
I opted again to run away. Katherine was six
weeks old when we rented a u-haul and moved into
his parents basement.

Running solves nothing when what you are running
from is within you. That knowledge came later.
We stayed with his parents until we found an
overpriced apartment. His mother became overbearing,
her intrusion into my parenting skills were many.
We fought, JPB always took her side. I was going crazy.

I started work with JPB’s Aunt in her house cleaning
business. JPB found a factory job. He was dying inside,
I could tell he was unhappy and felt powerless to help.
My own mental status was shaky at best. While I adored
my children I also felt a great unrest. As if I had done
something wrong. It wasn’t clear why until a lot of
therapy helped me realize that the birth of my girl
child triggered many memories.
Those things that made me run found me.

One day it all became too much. Nothing mattered except
the hurt I felt. The hurt from my husband, the lies
I lived, his mother and her need to control.
The past that crept into my days and nights.
Not even my beautiful babies kept me from taking
a bottle of pills and walking off into the woods to die.
But not before calling my mother in law to let her know
she had won. It was the ultimate in selfish acts.
At that point I didn’t care.

I learned to care slowly with my therapist G
helping me along the way. Slowly I learned to see
the truth of my past and put it away for good.
I also learned to stop lying to myself.
But that came much later.
Hilary had yet to be conceived.

As an aside, while my life with this man was
truly something to be endured at times.
I also had what I knew to be my fondest dream.
To give birth to these lives made any and all
pain so much easier to live with.
They made me happy each day. Our lives were
full of good times with these babies too.

I didn’t think enough of myself then to expect more.
Little had been shown to me in my past to hint
that a great love was possible. I only knew
what I lived up until then. It was enough.
I laughed each day…or most days.

I had great fun with my children. Their early childhood
was not miserable. I silently handled the disappointment
in my life and kept my children’s lives purely care free
as much as possible. I was quite good at deception on
their behalf. It was only me that was dying.

I only realized after 9 years of celibacy and
my meeting Jan what I had missed and what a wonder
it was to have finally found it in her.
Never regret. Do not be sad for me.
This is not my intent. It all brought me here.
It was worth it.