What I know

What I know of me has lately been tested.
Put through trials in an effort to survive
life's little, and not so little ups and downs.
When others question who you are or outright
tell you who you are; it's easy to believe them.
Even when they are glaringly wrong.

Maybe it's history. A pattern of dysfunction
that allows the untruth to be considered.
Maybe it is that life dragged me through the mud
and becoming clean again seems daunting.
Hardly worth the trouble, for today anyway.

Those who know me closely agree with my knowledge
of who I am at the core of me. It has been my
lifelong held truth that I am sensitive and passionate.
Caring to everyone of any social class and race.
Adoring of others and what they bring to the world.
Giving of my time and compassion to assist where needed.

People I interact with at work know this is true of me.
The unclean and incarcerated deserve the same touch,
the same smile and kind word as any other customer I see.
"There but for the grace of God go I". I believe in that.
In my lifetime I have been them. I did not forget.

They learn my name and use it. They come by my desk to
thank me for being so kind. It strikes me as sad that the
need is there to be surprised by any of it. I am amazed
that others find it difficult to feel the same.
Those who would rather complain than find goodness in
everyone we meet. It is a depressing way to spend their days.

I desire no recognition. No pats on the back for being
the kind of human we all should be.
Still, I secretly wish that those who believe
otherwise of me could hear these words of praise.
I often want to scream, this is who I am.
Did you hear her ? Listen to what they say. Not what
you have come to believe of me.

I wonder when I became less than those who hold my
livelihood in their grasp believed. When exactly I became
someone who is considered a problem. Instead of
who I know I truly am. I am impatient to regain the
reputation I once held gladly. Gained by deed and
time. Ripped away by someone who has their own issues.
They became entwined in mine. I struggle to become
untied. I am entangled through no desire of my own.

My place is there. Moving as fast as possible to give
what is expected in a loving manner. To smile again with
heart behind it. Instead of the stress that makes it necessary
to force the gap of teeth and the upward turn of my face to show.
A purposeful smile, replacing one that once appeared with ease.

It is me that initiates tasks that should be done.
It is my guidance that allows our customers to feel
that care. To not allow them to wait. To assure them that
we will see them as soon as possible. A blanket, a pillow,
assisting a nurse to clean a room or deliver a food tray.
These are my roles. I do them well and ask for more each day.

Yet a cloud hangs over my name.
Because I dared to speak the truth.
To ask why and question honesty.
I lack the ability to watch injustice silently.
It is my flaw and possibly also my saving grace.