Life Time Line

A re-post from Sept. 2005
due to the same questions being asked again.

A new found friend asked me today
about my life. I attempted to direct her to
this blog for the answer.
Complete with links to relevant posts.
I was surprised that there isn’t one
post that I could send her to that would
answer her questions.

Her questions were simple.
How I came to have children.
Why I am not with my children’s father.
How I met Jan.

In answer is the following time line.

1959, born in Redwood City California.
Moved to San Jose where I lived until
age 14. I then was moved to Jackson Michigan.

First lesbian inklings… very early childhood.
Playing “house” with girls, I was always the butch one.
A complete crush on Jane a neighbor friend.

1975, After a life of heavy crushes on girls and
teachers. The word lesbian is heard, understood and
terrifying to me.

1976, in answer to the terror, Joe, geeky guy, becomes my first
chosen sexual partner. A truly awful experience.
Late that year I meet and love a teacher named Laura.
I knew she was gay before knowing her.
My innate gaydar beeped hard. I never told her how I felt.
I knew she lived my life. Still scared but more brave,
I moved forward and met Beth. My first lesbian relationship.
I adored her completely. I was home. This is who I am.

1977, I came out to my family and knew I needed to leave home.
I graduated and left. Going from Michigan, back to California
and then to my sisters in Tennessee.

August 1977, I met and moved in with Cathy.
17 years older than I, I fell deeply in love.
Sexually and emotionally I was at peace.
This was as right as it gets.

1978, I came out officially to my family and
was disowned. I had no contact with them for six years.
Mom finally came around at the same time that
I had decided to leave Cathy. Mental illness ran
our relationship. I could no longer deal with her
illness. I wanted my family back. I wanted children.

1984, I told myself that I could love a man and everything
would be fine. Someone would take care of me for a change.
I did not take my vows lightly.
I fully intended to stay married for a lifetime.
My true feelings be damned. I had my family back and
children on the way. I disliked straight sex,
but it wasn’t unbearable. I was able to disconnect
easily during sex having learned that art years before.
My family was happy. We moved near them, back to Michigan.
This time to Holland where my mother lived.
I was normal in their eyes. Cured. Saved. Whole.

1985, Anything but whole, I attempted suicide.
Sick of pretending. Went into therapy to be ok
with my choices. My marriage was abusive.
He cheated, I pretended not to know.
I wasn’t a good sexual partner for him I knew.
I blamed myself in part.
I nursed and mothered my child and told myself we were ok.

1987, another child born, Katherine.
Postpartum depression. Going nuts in Michigan.
We moved to North Georgia to be near my ex-husbands family.
I told myself it was my family making me crazy. It wasn’t.
It was because I was living a lie.

1988, I reconnected accidentally with an old flame.
The feeling of being home again stronger than anything I knew.
Yet I remained faithful to my vows.
Knowing I was seriously in trouble.
The ex continued to cheat. We rarely had sex.
That was fine with me. I put him through nursing school
by cleaning houses. He found a nurse to screw.

1989, in therapy, pleasing my therapist by announcing
that I would finally be going to college. The next
week taking that back and announcing instead that I was pregnant.
I was happy. I adore being a mother. She was appalled.
I could pretend some more. It was far easier than college would be.
I had no self esteem. Saw no future career for myself.

1990, my third child was born. Her father and I fought
the entire pregnancy and on the day of her birth.
Still we stayed together. It was easier.
I could lose myself in loving her and forget the
truth a while longer.

1991, We purchased our first (and only) home.
Six months later all bets were off.
He cheated one last time. I finally found my voice.
I no longer felt like pretending. He left.
I called my old flame and began a dysfunctional
relationship based on great sex and not much more.

1993, I decided that I would be better off if
I lived a celibate life. I wasn’t making good choices.
I slept around. Never when my kids were home or would know.
But I knew. It wasn’t in me to lie. I didn’t know how to tell
my little kids I was gay. I swallowed me again.

1997, my first computer, a gift from my sister and
her husband. I found mailing lists. Joined some,
left many. Then started my own for lesbians over
the age of 35. I didn’t want a partner. But I wanted to feel
that peace that only came to me when I was with “family”.

Early 1998, I came out to my kids. My worries were
unfounded. Lesbians had just become cool.
There were a few discussions on worries they had,
but they never hated me. My greatest fear.
We are out to all their friends.
Small town USA isn’t so bad.

1998, I found the love of my life and more.
Jan was a member of my list.
She insulted a member, which with my job as list mom
required me to contact her and set her right.
We began a long distance friendship.
Phone calls and instant message ICQ’s.
She had a crush, I was wary.

1999, February, a women’s space mailing list
gathering I held brought her to my home.
We fell immediately in love.

2007, We have been together for 8 years now.
My mother loved Jan before she died.
She came to accept who I am.

While some family members choose to ignore
our relationship, others adore Jan as well.
We tried at one point to have a child together.
Health issues for Jan crushed that dream and almost
crushed us too. We learned to communicate better
and healed the hurt. Today our life is filled
with work, kids and hobbies we enjoy.

Content and at peace finally, I live my days
knowing I made mistakes in relationships.
Also knowing that without one of those mistakes
my children wouldn’t be here. For that, I will never
regret my straight marriage.

All the hurt it caused and the confusion I brought to myself
is worth it to know I have given life to these
three amazing people. Unconditional love is their’s and
they return it lovingly to both Jan and I.
Someday, maybe, hopefully we will welcome grandchildren
into our lives.

They will learn who we are and learn
acceptance of all people. Differences won’t be seen.
This will be my legacy.