The aftermath

The big bash was a huge success.
About 30 people came, ate partied and had a
lovely time. Hilary made hand held fans to help
with the 90 degree heat. I set out a wind machine
behind a shrub for air movement. We gave party
favors of small candle tins in various scents.
Hilary made inspirational rocks to give as well.
(words printed on rocks, like dream, wish, hope)

The let down and fatigue is there for me.
I slept most of the day yesterday.
Today I am getting back on my feet but still
sad in some way. All the prep and the party
is over and I don’t have a project looming.
I love keeping busy with my projects.

I took a huge pan of leftover Baked Ziti to
Jan’s crew at work just now. Salad and bread
to boot. I always worry that I will run out of
food and as such, make way too much. It is
a nice treat for them to have a home cooked
meal occasionally at work. I don’t mind doing it.
They are always grateful.

We met an interesting new couple at the party.
S is a crisis counselor, her partner I believe is in
billing. Although admittidly this is second hand info as
regretfully, we didn’t get to talk to them much.
We would like to get to know them better.
There are so few professional lesbian couples here it
seems. We aren’t into game playing like many are.
Which is probably why we stay home so much.
We just want normal friends. They seem perfectly normal,
(what ever that is). They only live about a mile from us.
I truly hope that they will call sometime soon.

A and K came again, and K played her guitar while A
sang. How great is that? I could listen to them
play/sing all day. They are younger than us by about
15 years, so there is a bit of an age gap, but we love
spending time with them both. Hopefully we will all get
together soon. There is talk of a poker night here and
a rare trip to a local gay bar.

Jan has never seen a drag show, or did years and years
ago. I have never taken her to a local gay bar. It’s just
not a place I have ever spent much time in. But it will
be fun with friends. Especially the straight ones. It’s
always interesting to watch their faces as the drag
queens strut on out.

So, the staging client is pissed at me. I guess.
I really don’t know. I contacted him as planned to set
up a time to come this week. Today at 11 am.
I guess he wanted a quicker reply as he just said
he would contact me in the future. What the hell does
that mean? I left a message on his cell yesterday and
got no reply. I’m not sure what I did wrong.
We didn’t have a firm date to meet again. I told him I
would call. And I did. I am sick about it and don’t
know what to do at this point. I’m hoping there is some
other reason because I’m not sure I would want to work
for him if he is that moody. argh….
is all I can say about that.

When I was out a while ago for my delivery,
during another stop, I saw an old friend.
Someone I trusted with the best and worst of me.
She said hello and smiled. I nodded and said hello
in reply. It is still odd seeing her because what she
believes she knows of me is so far removed from
who I am it isn’t even funny. It is sad to me that
she doesn’t believe that people grow and change
in 20 odd years. It is depressing and I felt that
this afternoon. For a moment anyway.

Today was the first time I have seen her. It ached.
I wont lie. I still wished that she knew the real me
that she never could see. I kicked myself hard for
still caring. I never heard from her after my firing.
When I could have used a friend. I never reached
out to her either, knowing finally that I was never
really enough. Even though she asks others about me,
I know it is curiosity and not concern for a friend.

I sigh and move on….each time feeling it all and
learning more of me. Knowing that she doesn’t have
a clue that I write, design and create beauty each day.

Knowing that Jan agrees that she is blind to who
I really am helps so much. It is her issue.
I have nothing to do with it.
And so I move forward, confident in who I have
grown to be. Trying not to care that she will never
let herself believe that. I am blessed all the same.