Originally Posted on 2/25/05,
with an update at the end.
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Last week I began the search for my father and thanks
to the members at www.peoplesite.com I now know
who he was.
Born 12/24/1929
Died 03/07/1997
Served in the Korean war. Metal of Honor, Purple heart.
Diabetic, handsome, funny, clever, patient.
All these words were spoken to me by my Aunt Leora of
Gary IN just today. His sister. She called me her niece.
Welcomed me to the family. Told me stories, such as
the fact that my Uncle Dick (mom’s brother) and Edna
(My fathers sister) were married. I had a sister named
Juanita who died recently of cancer.
I have a brother Tom who lives in Ohio.
My grandmothers name was Fannie Thomas, Maiden
name Brooks. There are two uncles who live in
Holland MI and Fennville MI. Tommie and Earnest
Thomas.
Leora didn’t think that Mom and Earl were married.
Though my birth certificate states that they were.
She didn’t know of a child born to them at first.
But she remembered my mother visiting her.
Then as she came back from getting paper and pen
to write down my information. She said, “you know…
I seem to remember hearing that Earl and Vi had a
child. I never met the baby, but…that must have
been you, did Earl take care of you ?”
“No ma’am”, I said “I don’t think I ever met him”.
She asked me for my address to send me pictures
of my father. She stated that she was old and then
she said the most amazing thing. She said, “I’ll just
put down that you are Earl’s girl so I wont forget.”
Earl’s girl… Me, Annie Thomas, Granddaughter of
Fannie, Niece of Leora. Sister to Tom and Juanita.
I cant process all the lies that I now know played
out all my life. That will be a task that will take
some time. My Mother’s lies, my mom’s sisters, my
mom’s brothers, all had to have known who my
father was. They knew Edna, Dick’s wife.
All faced me and never told the truth.
Never thought I deserved to know who I was.
But I do know now. In spite of them.
Because of them. In defiance of them.
I deserve this. Every child does.
My father was not a bad man and a pimp.
As my mothers only information on my father
stated. He served his country and was awarded
medals for his actions there. He fathered two
more children and stayed with them and his wife.
He was a hard working steel worker and a farmer.
He was my dad. No one can make it not so.
I’m so sorry he never knew me and I him.
I love my mother.
She made some seriously questionable decisions.
Maybe she didn’t know any better.
I don’t know. Time will heal this, of that I am sure.
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Update: two years later as Father’s day is here.
I feel no closer to his family than I did two years
ago. I make little effort to know them. I am not
sure why that is. Maybe it is enough just to finally
know. To have the lies answered and to have
moved on from that hurt. To fully connect means
to see the lies up close and personal again. I have
enough going on without that angst. Perhaps some
day I will be able to reach out to them with sincerity.
I think of Jan and her very different story of a
present father with little value in the end.
Which is better? They are all gone. Both of our
Mother’s and Father’s. These holidays pass with
a range of emotions on any given year. Either a
gentle thought or two, or a depressive day
remembering the loss of what could
have been. I could say I wish, if only, and why….
but where does that get me in the end?
I encourage my children to honor their Father.
It means everything. Even though he left a lot to
be desired in that department years ago. Today
he tries. As much as his own upbringing allows.
They must respect him, accept him and take
as much as he is capable of giving.
Remembering those who have much less.
Thank you to my Father and to Jan’s for giving
us life. Thank you to my children’s Father for
three of the most exquisite gifts walking the
planet.
Thank you to Jan who has co-parented with me
for over 8 years. While I wouldn’t consider either
of us the “Father” figure in our home, having her
with me to co-parent these young lives completed
the missing piece we had been searching for and
didn’t know was missing.
02/1999, The weekend we all met each other.
