And so it goes…

Ok the last half of my cryptic posts lately can now
be written. And I am pissed, sad, hurt and over it all.
Mostly I am relieved.

We met S and R at our recent party.
We hit it off well and proceeded to visit their home
for game nights, go to dinner etc…

But something was off from the beginning.
When asked simple questions about their lives they
would give small details and no more. They always
emailed to say how wonderful the evening was yet
we felt odd most of the time.

Then a series of things happened:
Jan said something dumb, I defended her by deflecting
the conversation back on me in a joking manner.
Several times, which in the end made me look like shit.
I wrote to S to explain Jan’s remarks and the
history behind them. This included minor revelations
about my past with a counselor I saw 20 years ago that
S knows today. I laid my heart out in that letter
and only a person lacking in compassion would ignore it,
or not know that a reply was warranted. Whether she did
that verbally or via email.

She replied to Jan’s emails during this time, but not mine.
Not even if it was about an event we had planned.
What would you think? That she had read the letter and
no longer wanted to know you? I did. Big Time.

Jan and I had words because my protecting her had
caused this in my view. So after some time, while I
stewed for weeks, Jan went to S to apologize
for what she said and for what I was put in the position
of doing. Jan came home pleased.

S tried to call but I didn’t take her call because
I was so pissed at her lack of respect for me. I was also
waiting on Jan to get home from her house to talk to me first.

After I talked to Jan and she told me some of the things
that had been said, I left it alone. A day later it was eating
at me and I emailed S to set things right. I also let
her know that we liked them and wanted to work through this.
I told her that we enjoyed getting to know people and
their history. That we were open and honest and looked
for the same in our friends.

S replied all pissy because I didn’t take her call
and asked to meet, just her and I. I replied that I was
uncomfortable meeting her alone, that my spouse would
be with me. ( I wanted someone to back me up and
refute what she believed of me after all this shit)

I added these exact words; “Oh S,
I hold no ill feelings for you. I just want this over with.
I’m tired of the angst. You must feel the same.”

Her reply?
” That’s sounds good Annie. I’m sorry I couldn’t be the
friend you had hoped for. I just don’t have the time
or energy right now. I did have fun with you guys and
thank you for that! Best of luck on all your future
endeavors. I know R would still like to go fishing
with Jan so I’ll let them figure that out.
I’ll bring your game by that we still have-I’ll put it
in a weather tight bag.
Take Care,
S “

I wanted to say;
Well geeze, ok, I actually didn’t mean end the
relationship, but hey you are so used to reading
something negative into everything I say, write
or do, ok… yeah that works for me too.
But I didn’t say that, or write it either. And I wont.
Let her believe I ended it, good for her.

Seriously, I have never seen two women so afraid
of life. Each word was weighed, each emotion
checked. Better than us in their eyes obviously,
in oh so many ways. I was tired of cleaning for
them. (And I keep a very clean home daily)
They made me feel dirty. I was tired of the work
and worry they caused.

and so it goes…
It’s Pool hall/Karoke night tonight with work friends.
Casino night here soon too!
I cant wait.

Life goes on.

July 17th 2007

I take my freedom in my hands as I write a
little known fact. A truth that no news station
I have seen is reporting on. Silenced by the
President of my country.

This info comes directly from the
white house site. Reported in detail
on the Huffington Post site.

Please pass this info on.

On July 17th 2007 the GWB
signed into executive order this:

http://www.whitehouse.gov/news

Basically it states that “they/he” will determine
who is a threat to the war effort and
“the stabilization efforts in Iraq”
They have the right to arrest and seize the
property of anyone they determine to be a threat.

They are the deciding vote… so it could be
as simple as the 75 year old man who sold
Impeach buttons at a flea market and was
arrested. (google it)

In essence it states that under this order,
opposing the war becomes an illegal act.

I am terrified as to this man’s power and
deceptions toward his own people.
His approval rating is under 20%
How can we not finally impeach him
and his buddies?

Bush writes:
“I have issued an Executive Order
blocking property of persons determined
to have committed, or to pose a
significant risk of committing, an act or
acts of violence that have the purpose
or effect of threatening the peace or
stability of Iraq or the Government of
Iraq or undermining efforts to promote
economic reconstruction and political
reform in Iraq or to provide humanitarian
assistance to the Iraqi people.”
…end quote

“Or to pose a significant risk”
meaning anyone they even think may not
support them. They get to decide if my
t-shirt that says “impeach”, or “
bring our troops home” is a violent act.

They get to decide if this very blog entry is
working against the US efforts.

Only other countries have picked up on the
enormity of this order. Our news has not.

See this link for more information:

Executive Order

Cryptic posts suck.

I never meant for my last post to be
cryptic but I suppose it was to a certain extent.
There are some issues with Jan and I, and new
friends that I am not ready to address here…
there are other issues with a co-worker
of Jan’s that believes I am “using” Jan for her
cash. LOL . All these put together required a
huge venting to work through. You got to read it,
lucky you!

I am sick to death of this persons snide comments
about me in my presence and to others on how
very many hours Jan works, (she always has and
thrives on it) how Jan needs surgery and cant
because of me. (no longer true as her knee is o.k.
lately). She has no clue what I do each day and
I refuse to tell her. Our bills are paid. Early even.
We have no credit card debt, have one car paid for,
another almost completed. I do have some
income coming in plus child support every month.
The fact is, this works for us. Subject closed.

She is pissed because I knew she spent her days
flirting with men and women, my spouse in particular
and called her on it. She actually commissioned an art
piece from me. Back when I played along with her
behavior because I had never been slapped with it.
It isn’t due for delivery until August 30th… I may
give her the fee back and tell her to fuck off.

It’s just, every time I see her now she slams me
in some way with a smile. I also hear from other
friends the crap she says. Yesterday’s slam was
about my supposed lead foot. (I have never had
an accident, one speeding ticket in 32 years of
driving.) She saw me drive up to work to give Jan
her new uniforms and assumed she knew my
driving habits. She then proceeded to tell me
three times before I hit the door that I had a
lead foot. I calmly told her she was wrong but
she just kept right on spouting off her mouth.
She went inside and announced my supposed
driving habits to the staff. Just a bitch.
You gotta laugh at her.

——————-
In other news…

1. Kate is doing little to find work.
Just enough not to piss me off daily.
Not enough to matter.
Seriously I am over it.

2. Jan and I have been playing video games
non stop for the last two days. Just being lazy.
She is cooking dinner for me now, damn! more
ammo for the work bitch…LOL

3. Hilary has bought all but one shirt and pair of
jeans herself for school with her own work money.
She insisted. School starts the 6th of August.
A senior this year. How the hell did that happen?
My last child in her last year of high school.

4. Sadie (our Pekingese) seems to be with puppies…
maybe just one. She was in heat for a short time.
Teddy “got him some” several times, we will see.
Then she gets fixed! All I need is five (or more)
dogs in this house!

5. Oh and Hilary bought herself a parakeet!
no joke. Another pet in the house! The dogs all
cry to see it up close and personal every time
the damned thing tweets. It is a circus here.

Ok, off to eat Jan’s fried chicken, homemade
mac-n-cheese and whatever else she is doing in there.

I know how lucky I am, so does she.

PS…
is this the most boring Big Brother season in history?

Expectations and assumptions

I am enough.
Whether or not you agree.
Just as I am, I am worthy of all that
is afforded to others. Friendship,
admiration, respect, and care. I claim
all of these as necessary. Just as you do.

My life has value.
Whether or not I conform to your idea
of what I should be. I may not leave my
home each day but still, my life has
immense worth to those that love me.

You can assume what you will of me
and how I spend my days. You can feel
sorry for my partner that she has been
saddled with me. You can assume I am
using her financially. You know nothing of
me and all that I do each day.

You know little of our finances and I
refuse to explain. What works for us,
may not work for you. If I was married
to a man, few would bat an eye at my
role as caretaker to 5 humans and
4 dogs. Because I am a lesbian I am
supposed to have some lofty goal of
more. I enjoy taking care of my family.
My family appreciates the care.

If I can create beautiful things physically
or virtually to supplement that income
all the better. Do you know me? Do you
care to? Or have you stopped by to
pretend you want to know me?
Did you just want a good time pal?
Sorry to disappoint.

I believe in knowing you.
Your hopes and dreams matter to me.
Superficial, temporary relationships don’t
interest me. I’m not known to move on
easily. What you feel is important.
Something more real is vital in my friends.

And now that I have said my piece…
I am off to do laundry,
plan dinner,
pay bills,
take my child to work,
take Jan’s forgotten lunch to her,
walk the dogs,
refinish furniture,
build something or paint,
run an errand for a friend,
design and build a web site for a client,
advertise the ones I have out there now,
market and promote my businesses,
update the four client sites I maintain,
subscribe, ban and approve message for
several mailing lists I still own,
blog and visit forums to advertise,
write an article that may someday pay,
comfort my child as she confides and cries,
pick up another child from work,
dust,
vacuum,
sweep and mop,
garden,
mow, weed, prune,
de-poop the yard,
prepare a meal for friends,
complete with their favorite beverage.
Yes, I took the time to notice.
Damn, and it’s garbage day too…

On another note.
I am sick to death of people
looking down on me because I
(GASP!) drink Kool-Aid daily.
I hate plain water ok?
I cant drink carbonated beverages
unless you want me to shit all over
your nice new carpet. I hate Iced Tea.
I don’t drink much alcohol either.
I cant drink juices. What is the big deal?
Give me my damned black cherry
kool-aid and shut the hell up about it.
At least I am taking care of what my
body tells me I can no longer have.

Ever think that I may miss a Coke?
A glass of O.J. would be wonderful.

Ok, so yes I sometimes have a potty mouth.
I enjoy a blurted out “shit!”,
F*uck, when said with humor is too funny.
I cuss heavily when pissed.
It doesn’t make you superior,
I’m just more colorful. Live a little.

Stick around and get to know the
real person underneath what you
assume to be true.

If you have something to say, say it.
Stop saying good-bye to people you never
really took the time to know. See that
differences are the most amazing part of
a successful life.

My children will not mourn my passing
because of what I did not become.
They will mourn the loss of my time
with them. And that is as it should be.
I am a huge success. Just as you insisted
I be. I always was, you just refused to see
past what others told you I needed to be.

To my family I am everything.
It’s all I ever dreamed it would be.

The choice

Our choice.

Beadboard doors and sides, distressed finished in an
off white, almost tan. I happen to have a bookcase ‘
in the same room with this finish.
It was impossible to pick a stained piece due to other
stain colors in the same room clashing. The bottom
has two large drawers for our games, DVD’s etc…

The whole family approves. My work here is done.

Oh and the best part, we have been putting this
purchase off for several years due to the wires
from the surround sound system which includes
a DVR, DVD, VHS, two playstation systems and
various lights and cable wires. We were afraid
that we would never get it all to work again.
I decided just to do it. Wires be damned.
I made drawings of the back of the receiver,
TV etc… labeled each wire and only unhooked
enough to get the components out of the old
monster of a cabinet and into the new one.

Shit I wanted someone to be impressed when
I had tested each device and they all worked!
Jan came in from work during all this. Cranky.
Not really into pats on the back. I got them later.

It had been a day from hell for us both it seemed.
I needed a truck and had to wait for a friend of
John Paul’s to finish work before he could let me
borrow it. This put me driving into Chattanooga
to pick it up during rush hour traffic. I was happy I
didn’t have to pay delivery charges though!

They close at 6 pm. I barely made it. After
paying my bill they instructed me to drive around
the back to the loading dock. I did.
I waited and watched as they loaded two other
trucks and then some other guy would come out
and tie it off. Why no one suggested that they
move the truck so the next in line could be loading,
I don’t know. It didn’t take me any time to figure
that shit out and suggest it. You could see the
light bulb going off in their heads.

Surely I couldn’t have been the first to suggest it.
The guy waiting in line behind me was thrilled.

Finally we got out of there. Home by 6:30 with
one hour to get it set up before Jan got home.
I was sweating all over the damned thing as
she walked in looking sour.

Then I let her know that I had to hurry because
I had promised the kids that I would drive them
to the movies for helping me all day.
(Moving the old one out and all)
It was the last thing I wanted to do but I
did promise. So we did that and I fed Jan
Burger King while she talked about her day.

Afterwards we went home and I got to
rearrange my collection of finials and other
things in my living room. I went back to get
the kids at midnight and came home to collapse.

Today I did very little. These old bones are tired.
I love the look of it in my living room.
The old one was huge compared to this one.
My TV looks small in this cabinet but it filled
the cavity in the old one. It is a 30 something
incher.. I can upgrade TV’s in the future with
no problem. It’s all good.

Replies and Armoires

I’m in the market for a new TV Armoire.
Ours is this huge thing, over 6 feet tall
and probably as wide. Just too big for
the living room. We have shopped for one
before but they always lack the storage
we need for the TV and four other components.
Not to mention two play station systems and all
the DVD’s, VHS and Games that must fit as well.

I hate seeing wires. I spend a lot of time in
decorating to ensure that no wires will be visibly
laced across the baseboards and behind furniture.
As such, I do prefer an amoire. Preferably one with
TV doors too. Picky is me. So the hunt is on once
again. As soon as we find one and get the current one
out of the house I will be having a huge yard sale.
I don’t want a Sauder type pressed board piece, but for
my budget, it may be what I get. I saw that a furniture
store we like is going out of business and will stop in
there on Friday when they are open again. We bought
our new kitchen table there. The unfinished furniture
store where I got the table’s chairs had nothing that
would work. It’s a shame because I really like putting
my own finish on a piece.

I want something like this one that is available at Target.

But it is fake wood.

- - - —

So. Recently I shared a piece I have written with an
old friend to no reply. I have encountered this before
and always find it odd. I never know if the silence
is a good thing or a bad thing. Do they just not know
what to say? Did she think it was awful? I happen to
know that this piece is very good. If you have been
a reader here for any length of time, you know I NEVER
say that. But this one, was, it was actually chosen
for special mention elsewhere. Maybe it is just not
her cup of tea, too sweet, too real, too something.

Maybe she is at a loss for words because it is so
damned good LOL. I ask myself what I expected
from the sharing. Was it about sharing that piece
of me innocently or was I searching for a pat on
the back? Was I trying to prove a point or simply
sharing art? Was I trying to impress someone else
and did not? Is that what is bothering me?
Questions, Questions with few answers.
I like the fact that it makes me question myself.

I often wonder if people think I am just too open
and are embarrassed for me. I want to say,
don’t be! I love it. I could never be any other way.

Why is honesty feared? Everyone has emotions,
wants, desires, problems and good things that
happen. I just share them more readily.
Most bloggers do. Many many people don’t “Get”
people who blog.

Then there are those bloggers who need to be
cheery all the time. I happen to know several
that have some really awful crap happening in
their lives right now, but they still post happy
silly shit each day. What is the point of that?

Speaking of people who don’t reply…
I get about 50 visitors a day here now,
and few comments. I find that odd as
well. Not that I am complaining. Thanks
for visiting so loyally. If what I write brings you
back each day to read; good deal. You don’t
have to reply. I just wonder about things like this.

So many friends have stopped blogging at all.
I visit dead links often lately. I miss many
of these people. All things that make me go
hmmmm.

Games and more

Last night Jan and I went to new friends S and R’s again.
This time for a cookout and game night with another
lesbian couple. A wonderful evening yet again.
Loved K and S and hope to see them again in the
future. Not sure whether they liked me/us however
they seemed to enjoy the evening as well.
We played Taboo. Funny as hell. A nice way to get
to know people.

It could have been marred by the fact that I
was forced (by way of protecting someone else)
to reveal my deepest and darkest to new friends.
I was able to put that aside before we arrived.
I was unsure if it would be brought up. It was not.
Actually it looks like it will never be. Interesting
dynamic to say the least.

- - - - - - -

On another subject…
When someone admits fault and says they will
make it right but then they don’t…when someone
tells you they have your back, you want to believe
them. Some people just need to be the good guy no
matter the relationship. How do you forgive
what someone can not be? Perhaps all it takes is
the desire to continue and your own need to
forgive to set healing in motion. I’m working on that.

- - - - -

Yet another subject…
Kate is home again. Moved home.
Jan just took her to look for a job.
My taxi service just increased by one.
The food budget too. I know she doesn’t want
to be here. She cried at the disappointment.
I was less than comforting. Tough love.
It sucks too. I of course want the best for her.
She has to try harder. Fight for herself.
Still, I have missed her.

Social Butterflies

Since the party we have been out more times than
I have been used to. Maybe more than I want to be.

1. Our annual party (June something)…
2. Met two new friends at the party and visited with them.
3. Went to dinner with friends for my birthday.
4. Went to the b and B
5. Went to a local pub for pool night.
6. Went to dinner with friends Friday for his birthday.
7. Went to a party Saturday at A and K’s
(This for someone who used to rarely leave the house)

And Jan is the one doing all this after working most days.

I am a homebody at heart and would much prefer that
people visit here. I don’t want it to be a big deal either.
Those events that you have to shop and plan for. I just
want to sit around and play a game. Watch a movie.
Eat whatever is in the pantry and talk. Friends that
show up in their ratty shorts and a stained shirt and
don’t mind that I am in my lounge pants.

All of the above events were wonderful! Most namely
S and R’s and the party last night. Mostly because
they were both a chance to get to know new people.
Lesbian people at that.
I genuinely wanted to be at each one and
enjoyed my time while there. It has been a long time
since I have spent so much time with adult people.
I have been lonely even.

So why the angst?
I guess I just want friends I can be real with.
I want conversations to be finished and not
interrupted by a party or a dish being served.
I want to burp and laugh, knowing I am not judged
by the way I do either. I want to not be on my best
behavior at all times around someone besides my spouse.
What a fucking diva I seriously sound like.

- - - - -
No news from Kate.
I worry. I try to not be that kind of mother.

- - - - - - -

The war in Iraq hit home this week again as we got
word that a friend of the kids died when the boat he
was in overturned in some river there. He was Military
all the way. ROTC student each year. A nice kid my own
child’s age. I am so sad for his family. There is an artist
that paints a portrait of each deceased solider and sends
it to the family. I am going to send his information to her.
Click HERE

His funeral is today. I passed by there earlier and all the local motor
cycle guys were there setting up. The local Chattanooga bike club
rides in honor of each Military personnel that passes. From any war,
any branch of service. Young or old, you just have to call them.
They ride with flags flying from behind them. It is a beautiful thing
to see.

When I was growing up in San Jose, California, all I knew of people
who rode motorcycles was the Hell’s Angels of that time who
did do some awful things. Movies also depicted all motorcyclists as
criminals. The news warned against being in or near those places
they may appear in. It was late 60’s, there was a fear of people
who were different than white bread families. I see them now,
just like me or you. Good people who volunteer
most every weekend to ride proudly in honor of a solider.
These same people ride each year at Christmas and collect toys
for children. Perhaps they are the same as they always were.
A child’s perception in a different time was all I had to go on.

My Kate

Kate is home for a day.
She just came to my office and shut the door.
Her savings are gone, Atlanta proves to be a
tough nut to crack. I suggested starting smaller.
Staring over here again, get a job, save all she
can and then possibly move with another friend
who is buying a townhouse in Albany while in
college there. She is the daughter of Doctor’s
Jan works with. He mother also officiated at
our commitment ceremony for us.

I sigh and worry.
My child is hurting and I hate it.
I hate it big time. I can not give her money.
Not because I couldn’t afford to help a little bit.
She is not starving, not in danger. She must know
what it is like to struggle. That being said, my care
package to send back with her this trip will be full
of food. I told her she could skip this month on her
cell phone payment. She wasn’t asking for money.
She wanted to know if I was disappointed in her.

Never; was my answer.
Not in this lifetime, ever.

- - - - - - - - - -

Zoe gave me a scare this week.
She woke one morning with the membrane in
the corner of her eye swollen and inflamed.
In researching it on line I learned that this is
common and called Cherry Eye. The duct becomes
clogged and prolapses requiring surgery usually.
Yes, I freaked.

It was suggested that I first try massage and
warm compresses. You know how well she sat
still for that. Later, I did get her to settle on my
chest as I laid on the couch. I rubbed and prayed
while she slept on top of me. The next morning she
woke up with no indication that there was a problem.
I was so happy! Two days have passed now and she
is still fine. From what I read, it could happen again or
on the other eye. It also happens with Cocker’s when
they are teething, which is true for her as well.
I’m just keeping my fingers crossed that it is over.

- - - - - - - - - - - - -

I don’t often talk about it, but I have been “list mom”
to several mailing lists since I first found the internet
in the 90’s. My lesbian mailing list is the list that enabled
me to meet Jan. There has been a woman on that list
that only talks about her depression. She finds no joy
in anything. Has allowed her abusive childhood to
consume her every thought. I have received complaints
from various members over the years. Last month as
this woman proceeded to ask the list not to talk about
something that was a hot button for her, I had to say
something. She of course, was hurt although I tried
to be as compassionate as I could. She hasn’t posted
much this month and unsubscribed yesterday after a
final slam to me. Sigh… Sometimes I wonder if it is
all worth it on these lists. The thought of closing
this particular list is not something I want to do.
It was with me when I came out. It helps many rural
lesbians the world over each day. The list members
would not want it to end either. I’ll deal with it.
The good outweighs the bad.

I don’t believe that what happens on line is somehow
remote or not as real as “in person” relationships.
I have thought of my on line friends in stores,
in the shower, alone in the car and even had
dreams about them. They are real. Their words
hurt and heal just as “in person” friends do.
My words and friendship are as real to them as well.
Just because we may never meet in person doesn’t
mean they don’t matter just as much. Sometimes I
write more real thoughts here and on my lists than I
would ever say in person.
I’m just sayin’