cleaning house

I cleaned today, just everything.
You know the stuff you think is a great idea to put over
your kitchen cabinets? Decorative stuff, but also, things
you use once a year or so. For me it is oversize stainless
mixing bowls. I mean like, industrial sized ones.
And a collection of white plates and pitchers.
It shows well on my red kitchen walls.

Like these:

and these, see those massive mixing bowls?

So those need washed, once a month or so.
I did all that, and laundry for days. Then I dusted and
cleaned the baths.
John Paul vacuumed really well and cleaned his room.
Hilary cleaned the heck out of her room and bird cage.
They both did all their laundry too. It felt good.
I needed to clean more than the house.
My brain needed a break from me.
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Tom and Linda sent these to us for Easter.

There are no accidents. I have been missing Holland,
and my family. We still have friends there too and an
extended family of aunts, uncles and cousins. Most
of them once thought highly of me, until my siblings filled
their heads with my sins. Though some may still, I am too
afraid to know. So anyway, the tulips were a lovely gift and
most welcome.
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Mosaic workshop day tomorrow and every Wednesday
from now on. I am enjoying giving back just a bit in this way
locally. I have been a volunteer moderator for over 10 years
with the Womens Space mailing list I founded and the last three
years as mod of the local freecycle list. But this is the first
actual face to face contact I have had and it is nice.
I didn’t know if I could do it, I tend to be shy, even if I know
what I am talking about. I trip over words and blush.
Especially if I wish to impress. So I had to talk to myself
before that first day and just made myself relax about it.
It worked and all has gone amazingly well.

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Jan and I had a strained conversation this morning from work.
We ended it on a low note. Throughout the day I just felt so
damned alone and the cleaning is always a result of that.
Usually I change the furniture around too, so everyone
got off lucky actually. By the time Jan got home I was
in the kitchen cooking dinner. Even her usual,
“I’m on the way home” call was distant. I left it be
but was just sick and tired of the lead in my stomach.

With no plan in mind to do so, when she walked in I just
looked at her and blurted, “are you okay? are we okay?
I miss my friend”.

She just about fell into me and stayed that way for a long time.
We will be fine, that was never in doubt. There comes a time
when you must put whatever hurt you feel aside and find the
woman you fell in love with. Through what she did and what
you did. To allow that a lesson was learned and just let it
end already.

That’s not to say that it was or is easy, or forgotten.
But who we are is more than this one thing.
Time is precious and I missed my best friend.