Today is art day again for chat folks, I had forgotten.
Again, I am going to let it be what it will be.
I have no current project and that feels odd.
I’ll have to start something today.
Jan counted the leaves on the landscape (I have
named Autumn Muse). 948 leaves, it felt like more!
But my fingers are fine. I finally found the working combo
of rubber paper pushers for your fingers and foam tape.
I also gave my grinder (used for shaping the glass)
a clean up, a new bit and new surround. It seemed to work
better after the kind attention! It is much improved over the
cardboard surround I had been using.
Amazingly nothing is sold to catch that spray or water except
a folding screen. I am known to make my own anyway and
continue to perfect it.
—————————————-
Hil is okay, she came home and went to her BFF Mary’s house
for a girl afternoon. Came home and talked to me about how hard
it was to see him in the halls at school. No one to walk her to
class etc… I just cried with her. She will be fine in time, she
thanks you all for your care sincerely.
—————————————–
Not much else going on around here.
We have to pick up our glasses today or tomorrow.
They called and said Jan’s are ready. Mine went out on a
later shipment, so will probably be ready later today.
Tomorrow we are meeting a friend at Hobby Lobby to
choose a memory frame for a piece I am putting together
for her loved ones. I also have to write something to add
to the matting. I need someone with exceptional cursive to
do that part! My cursive writing sucks, always has.
We will go to lunch after shopping and write the piece then.
Or at least get a good idea of what she wants to say.
Should be a fun easy project and a bit of cash…
Just a note here, Jaded paid me within minutes of the receipt
being sent to her. I was so shocked at prompt payment I wrote
her and said as much. Sad that I am so used to being screwed over
that proper treatment is a shocker!
Thank you Jaded, I am so happy you and Mr Jaded love it!
——————————————
Our friend Kevin resigned from the ED this week.
We have worked with him for ever. I call him my brother
of choice. He emailed me yesterday and told me he resigned.
He will do agency nursing until he can find a job in surgery
nursing. Kevin is our poker night buddy too and we
discussed that it was about time for another poker night.
I have missed them.
on another note,
I am saddened by friends who choose not to support
when I need it. I believe I support them fully when they do.
I reply, reach out, give and only wish for the same in return.
I don’t believe I am needy or in need often of a listening and caring ear.
I could have used a friend to cry with this week over my
child’s hurt. To say those things I could not say here, or out loud.
To say just how angry I am at this hurt for her.
Reaching out proved futile with the two people I tried to reach.
(no one who comes here!)
The care in return is just missing and I have to ask
is it worth it to me to be the giver just to keep people in my life?
I am saying, you are better than me, don’t worry about being
there for me, I will lower myself to be here for you only.
To hell with that!
I am a good damned friend and except them to care about
me and what I have to say in return.
Jan is off for the next two days and I finished the glass work
on the tray and must wait a day or two to grout it.
Which means Jan and I are spending time doing not much
of anything for a change. Although we may get to that yard
work we put off yesterday. She needed the break, I wanted
to work a bit and then the whole thing with Hilary happened
and pretty much took up the rest of the day.
Jan and I bought new pillows and massive amounts of food
and other essentials yesterday. I had let the cupboards go bare.
It’s is such a treat to have a new pillow under my head.
Amazing what one can spend at the local superstore.
I don’t know what happened with Hil and Brandon.
It was just all very sad. I haven’t seen Hilary today yet.
The usual words were spoken, “it’s not you, it’s me.
I don’t know what I want” yada yada.
She just sobbed in my arms and when I turned from her I
saw Jan standing back with tears too. Waiting to join me in
loving her. It meant everything to have her there.
For Hilary and I. Her siblings all rallied around, the texting
with friends went on as long as Hilary could stand to discuss it.
She is strong, so very brave every day. She will be fine in time.
He still wants to take her to the Prom….sigh.
——————————————
Work is horribly stressful for Jan right now. I can do little to help from
here and it is frustrating. I know what people should be doing.
Hearing that it isn’t happening in the way I made sure it did when I
was there is frustrating to me. So much support we all had then.
There are many many sick with this flu and the hospital is short staffed
which means the sickest of those that need beds get admitted to the ER.
So new patients aren’t being seen as quickly because half the beds have
been taken with admits. It makes them surly to wait of course.
They take it out on staff… Jan. On top of that, the Nursing staff has
ER patients and Admit patients. Too entirely different roles as a nurse.
It all makes for a stressed filled honey each night.
—————————————–
So here’s the finished piece, without grout.
I named it Autumn Muse
I have to say, I am very pleased with this piece.
I hope the grout does what I want it too do.
It taught me so much and made me want to learn more.
As you look at it you will see it is changed a lot since the original idea.
In it you will find things that are not there in real life. The iris next to
the building on the left are mine, under the iris are three rocks,
because I believe no landscape is complete without a rock or three.
The trees are much more colorful as I wanted it depict fall.
There is a red maple that is behind my house in the center.
Mixed in with the Michigan woods. In the far left bottom corner
you will find one lone red leaf.
It is my signature, my heart is in it.
As corny as that sounds.
—————————————-
I think a nap is in order on that new pillow…
Take care all.
btw, I weighed myself at the hospital yesterday
and I am down to 211…. amazing!
Your cheeks burned a brilliant red.
When he was near, or you simply spoke of him.
I knew then what you were feeling and rejoiced
with you. Even though as a Mother I worried.
He gave you his class ring which touched the
old fashioned girl in you. If the phrase “going Steady”
had been in, you would have been proud to use it.
He kissed you in the way the Prince kissed Cinderella;
that magical story that so captured you years ago.
You had found him, and he had found you.
What a lucky young man he was to have been in your life.
Now I see you are experiencing another first.
The heart ache that love also often brings to us.
But, Oh what we learn my beautiful child!
What we gain, I promise you, will best the hurt some day.
You have grown and changed. Each happening does that for us.
Each heart break a lesson in what we will and will not
accept for ourselves the next time. What we need and how
much we are able to give.
Blame wastes time, your hurt is echoed by his.
I wanted to hate him, but I saw his eyes.
He was devastated to speak his truth. For you.
Because you are so beautiful and kind and he knew this of you.
As we all do.
In time you will see him again and not feel the hurt so
horribly. You will once again smile at him and call him a friend.
To lose love is horrific I know, to lose a friend as well is
unnecessary when they are as gentle and kind as you two
have always been to each other.
You were both given a gift of the romantic love you had always
dreamed of. Some day you will remember what you were given
and smile again.
For now, cry, just cry buckets honey, alone and with others.
Be with those that love you here and out there.
There are so many who see your beauty.
I cry with you at this lesson you must learn.
Please know, someday soon you will smile brilliantly again.
Just as you always do.
Do not be afraid to give yourself this gift again.
Love is always worth the effort.
Shine my precious child, just shine on!
I am here, Mom
I have been going non-stop for weeks now it seems.
I don’t think I need a break from the art form but I
need to do something less detailed next.
Just something free and easy.
My eyes are giving me trouble and I cant wait for
Friday when I pick up my new glasses. Jan splurged
for me when I was in getting my exam and bought
clip on (but nice ones) sunglass attachments for my
glasses. I don’t like the tinting Jan prefers. It changes
true color which bothers me, not to mention the tint
never goes back to fully clear and so you look
like you are wearing sunglasses indoors. Especially in
pictures. Jan prefers that mostly because she had
Bells Palsy a while ago and one eye droops now. It is
unnoticeable to me and profound to her. As we are prone
to do to ourselves. She is beautiful with or without those
tinted glasses I loathe. Anyway, both Jan and I ended up
picking out very rectangular frames. We have always gone
with round, not too big on the face, but not too small either.
Mine are silver and not very girly. They are actually mens
frames, but they fit my large face well. My tri-focal progressive
prescription will not allow for too small of a frame. But I like the
shape very much.
The sales clerk was super kind and found me several discounts
which helped the cost. Jan and I are of course completely out
in these places, doctors, dentists, and have found people in
this small town to be so accepting of us. They actually offered to
put my glasses on Jan’s payroll deduction account as hers will be.
I said no, I would rather pay it up front and not have that added
amount come out of her check for the next three months.
But it was wonderful that they offered it and I thanked them for it.
It bothers me that so many assume the south is intolerant.
Yes we have our fair share of really down home people,
but for the most part they are kind and happy to meet us.
We don’t act like we expect to be attacked either. We smile and
converse from the get go. It seems a foreign concept to local
lesbians. Some people just act like they expect it. Walking around
angry at the world, expecting to be abused and so they are and
can be so damned proud of how smart they are. When I see other
lesbian couples out and about around here, they seem angry.
It’s called Gay bitches, try to be happy. LOL
——————————
Kate was picked up from work by Jan today. I worked late last
night and have been nursing aching hips from my arthritis from
all this rain. I slept on the couch so my tossing and turning wouldn’t
keep da honey awake. I suspect she turned off her alarm and
went back to sleep, or never set it last night. So I woke her at 6:30,
she usually leaves at that time. Oops. I can count on one hand the
times that has happened. She picked Kate up on her way to work and
dropped her off here. At least she stole and hour of sleep for herself.
It was nice that I didn’t have to get out this morning too.
——————————————-
Kate and I had a long talk about roles in this house.
Very interesting to hear her perspective.
I was the buyer of gifts, the one who guides, even with
Jan to a certain extent. Certainly when it comes to home
care and day to day maintenance. They all follow my lead.
In many more ways than household issues. But in trying to gently
and not so gently guide them out of this cozy nest, I pull away.
I stopped doing those things they should be doing for themselves.
Kate has become the head cheerleader of the house.
The one who has the ideas and implements them for gifts,
and occasions. And she resents it. For two years she has held
the role of making the other two come up with a plan and carrying
it out. I will say Hilary is much improved this year but John Paul is
horribly dependent still. Kate is overwhelmed at his immaturity.
Welcome to my world daughter, I am so sorry. I gave her the
advice I gave myself, just say no. Make yourself not handle it.
Let them make it or not.
——————————-
The children’s grandmother is in the hospital. Kate called her dad
last night and he told her she was having chest pains. She is at
Jan’s hospital now having a stress test. I have no problems with my
ex-mother in law. I feel sorry for her actually. She has given her life
to her family and adopted the loving nickname of Scag, for her trouble.
It is yelled in stores, “hey Scag, come here and look at this”.
No really…. why would you allow that? I cant even go there today.
I do wish her well and will say a prayer for her. Evelyn is her name.
——————————-
I’m taking the morning off of work to get this house in shape.
I have neglected it a bit. I am excited that tomorrow Jan is doing
another class and then we are all going to get together in the yard
to prune and finish mowing. I made the invitation to every child.
They actually have become much more open to it in the last
two years. Prior to that, it had to be forced on them. I love when
I get to prune back my flower beds and trees and tame the ivy on
the driveway rock wall. When the kids are here, I no longer have to
haul it all to the compost pile. I also need to do the spring cleaning
of the pond, those poor mistreated fish!
Hilary’s best friends Mom bought Hilary a prom dress
for a graduation present! They have been in school together
forever and best friends just as long. It was very kind of her,
Amazingly kind really, but some part of me is bothered by it too.
It is a beautiful green dress that looks wonderful with Hil’s red hair.
It occurs to me that the more I age, the more I reflect.
I started a journey through my past a few years ago here
Childhood Revisited, I called them. Then later
The Straight Life series went unfinished just as
I reached the part of the story when I had just
come out to my kids. I stopped writing it.
I have been working on it, in my head, because it
has been left undone. Such things bother me, but
that is no news to you faithful readers.
When I write, or think of it, those snippets of the post
here yesterday come to me and later form what will be.
I am not yet ready but the ability to finish them is coming
I give you this in preparation for that.
I write often of my love for my spouse and occasionally
she will reply here when the spirit (or hecklers) warrant
her voice. But few know the real woman I call my beloved.
She is my George, My Fred, my pooh.
Those are the names I use for her in real life.
“Love you George”, I will say,
she replies, “I love you too Fred.”
The next time, I am George. I don’t know where or
why it started, but it has stayed. People at work
now call her Fred, because when I worked there I slipped
one day and called her Fred. Since there are three Jan’s
that work there, when they all work the same shift.
Jan is now Fred. They stole my name and it lost something
then. So to me now, she is George.
Her father used to call her Sally Ann
She hates that name and her given name of Janet Faye.
(I’m seriously dead now) When I met her she used
the email address sallyann (some number here) and I
thought she was lying to me about being single.
As a toddler Jan walked on her tip toes for years.
Her toes now look like those of bound Chinese women
from centuries ago. I have never seen such tiny toes.
Her ears as well are extremely small. Only a tiny earring
will fit her lobes.
Her family lived on a 19 acre lot with a huge fishing pond
that they had installed and stocked. Every day Jan
fished there in a large metal row boat. When we packed her
mothers home and sold it years ago, we brought that boat
to Georgia in a U-Haul.
On the day that we lesbians rented that required U-Haul,
I flew to North Carolina to meet her and help drive home.
Jan did not show up at the airport for an hour after my
flight arrived. I searched for her and had her paged numerous
times. Just as I was sure she had changed her mind and
left me stranded with a one way ticket far from my children,
I heard my name being called. She arrived with gifts and a
guilty face. I was angry until she stopped on the highway
and kissed me.
When she moved here, her things filled the basement.
There were at least, 400 t-shirts. She is a buy a t-shirt
souvenir kind of person, and had one from every place she
had ever been, or three of them. I have it whittled down
to about 50 now.
Jan can most often be found playing freecell on her computer.
She starts at the first game and plays each one in numerical
order. I am not even joking… although she does also remember
especially challenging numbers and re-plays them often.
Jan was a career Paramedic who has now been reduced
to lesser roles due in part to the move here, the choice
of not continuing in her field and concentrating instead on
Nursing. She is highly respected at the hospital here as
well. She has been honored numerous times for her compassion
and skill. She is an educator and a giving nurse.
Each new Nurse that arrives from the local college’s know
of her and seek her out as preceptor. I have never seen such
an accomplished medical professional as my spouse.
The fact that others honor her for that always fills me with
gratitude. My pride in her is enormous.
She is quiet and kind, the go to person in most situations.
Calm and collected to my frantic energy.
The one who waits in lines and makes calls that frighten
the child in me. She is patient and thoughtful.
When we argue, she walks away to think, I am much
more vocal. She begs for peace, I want to talk it through
or scream.
Under her clothes, she has the hour glass figure of a real
woman, yet hides that in loose mens clothes. She was
blessed with a waist and hips well defined. She has no clue
how sexy she is. She does not have to try. She just is.
She trusts my love and the vows we share completely.
I in turn would never risk losing her love.
When she could feel a pang of jealousy, she instead
chooses to be happy that I have found what I need,
knowing where I find my soft place. With her.
She is my balance, my scale, my tether to shore.
She is… Da’ Honey!
———————————–
Feel me in the night, without a touch at all.
Close your eyes and see me there, as I wish to be.
Hear my heart call to you, in the place where minds meet.
Know my soul without a word, as silently we speak.
Annie
As a little girl I drove with my mother and younger
brother to an army base somewhere in California.
We waited for a long time until a man wearing
a dress uniform came to meet us. I was told to
say hello to this stranger and I shyly did as I was
told. I can not remember his name or even if I was
told it. 40 some odd years later I believe I saw that
man’s face again in a photo sent to me. I cant be sure,
but I think that man in the uniform that day was my father.
——————————–
I lived in San Jose California for much of my youth.
There was a vacant lot that became overgrown with
tall grasses in the summer. My friends and I used to
smash down the center of this field with our feet and
make a fort for ourselves. Occasionally what my mother
then called Hobo’s (homeless people) would wander into
our fort and frighten us away. We did any number of things
our mothers would have been shocked by. It was our secret
world. I kissed my first boy there and later a girl kissed me.
On the far end of this lot, orange California poppy’s grew.
A field of poppy’s as far as you could see. It was my favorite
place to sit and dream. I often laid down in it; letting the sky
meet my face, the sun beating down on me as I welcomed
the heat.
——————————–
I was born in 1959 and fancied myself a hippy at the age of 10.
Long skirts were sewn, peace signs emblazoned my denim jackets
and jeans. Mom sewed over sized bell bottom attachments to
stirrup pants. It was the height of fashion for a hippy wanna be.
I was too young and too late, but none of it mattered to me.
——————————–
I was once arrested for shoplifting.
I stole a gallon of milk, a loaf of bread and a pack of bologna.
My children were hungry. I no longer feel shame for that.
I did what any mother would do. I had to tell that truth
to Jan early on. It was my greatest shame to reveal.
She never thought less of me for it.
———————————-
When my mother died, I was given a sign I made for her
in woodshop class years before. She had hung this sign
in every home she lived in. Then a cane I once gave her on a
visit here was begrudgingly handed to me as well.
It was all I was allowed to have of her by my siblings.
Later, they sent me what I had asked for. The only thing I
wanted was the music she loved. A dusty old box of cassettes
arrived along with pictures I had sent her of my children over
the years. No empathy ever came my way from them, no
compassion for what I too had lost. Only hate for me.
She was also my mother.
———————————–
On the day I met Jan I waited on the front porch. I knew
she would be early. When she drove up to my home in her
little silver Honda car, the sun through the roof shined on her
gray hair. It glistened in the most appealing way.
She wore a leather jacket and sunglasses shielded her eyes.
She smiled as she drove down my driveway. I was immediately
taken with her look. It was only later that I learned that she
was honest and kind to all. It was then that my heart welcomed
her to stay. I still love her in a leather jacket.
————————————-
When we first met I wanted her to leave, she wanted to stay.
I drove her to the exit nearest my home and we said our final
good-byes at a gas station there. As she leaned in to kiss me
I burst into tears. My heart did not want her to leave.
She took the star of life necklace off that she never removed
and put it on my neck. With that act, I knew she would be back
for me. She was back three days later.
Jaded, your art is “out for delivery”!
According to UPS.
These arrived yesterday as I was just
starting to teach Kathryn and Jill.
They are called Leps, wheeled tile nippers.
The best tool ever for a mosaic artist.
Anyway, no one is allowed to touch my older leps.
They have always been the tool I use and others use
the lesser Hobby Lobby brand. Because I didn’t
want them used to nip things that would dull them.
As soon as the new ones arrived I handed the older
ones to J and K! Funny how that works.
The new ones just feel sooo good!
Oh and that is the update on the tray there too!
So we are off to breakfast, eye appointments and then
a bit of grocery shopping. Jan did mow yesterday
but stopped after completing the front yard.
We need a new lawnmower blade and will pick that
up today too. Office depot has the rubber finger tips
I need. People who sort paper use them for that.
Mosaic people tell me they will protect my fingers
better from the grinder than the foam tape.
So that is another stop and purchase.
Jan made a wonderful meal for us all last night.
I am so very blessed to have her.
Oh and here’s my bed again.
I think it will be in every post from now on.
This is where I make passionate love to my FEMALE spouse.
And she returns the favor expertly.
(and if you don’t understand the reference, you must be new here)
It’s 9 am, people will be here in two hours for art day.
I need to get the basement set up.
I decided to let it be what it will and have prepared nothing.
It’s organized, because that is what I do. I blew out the
garage area and vacuumed my side well the other day.
I’m not worried about it. This is me and where I work.
That thought is new to me. To not care so much
what others think of me, my space, where I live my life.
I have always been the one who makes lists and
researching things to death. Events here are planned
and prepared for far in advance. They are always a
success because any less than that is not allowed.
By me, this enormous pressure to be more, all, everything.
I have learned to let go more in the need to find
time to create. I only slightly feel guilty for wanting
to work all day and not have to stop at 5pm to prepare a
meal. It has always been my role to have that meal
prepared when jan gets home at 7:30pm each night.
Kate made baked potatoes and a salad one night.
Last night we went out for a pizza because I was tired
and lazy. Jan says she doesn’t care, but a part of me
doesn’t believe it. I actually promised to cook a meal
last night and did not. So obviously I am still trying to
find a happy medium. A tightrope walk of homemaker and
artist. Much like every other homemaker I am sure who
is pulled here and there.
The children growing has given me more time for myself,
but also the realization that waiting for the gift of time is
futile. You must take it. Choose. For me, I have no interest
in an hour spent getting my nails done and my eyebrows waxed.
For others that is their Me time. If I spend a bit on art
supplies I also know that I don’t spend on luxuries for my
body. I don’t buy or wear makeup or fancy clothes.
I work in old shirts and mens denim shirts as an apron.
Jan will tell you that I have a thing for bags, Purses you would
call them, but I am most drawn to bags that have a backpack
quality. I need those pockets! There are many stuffed in the
cedar chest at the end of our bed.
I don’t believe I am high maintenance to others, but I am to myself.
And so I work on that daily. Letting go, allowing myself the time I
need. Whether that means I have to spend the day in bed nursing
myself from some illness or pain, or if I need to clean and cook
because it makes me feel as if I am doing my part. Or the best days
when I announce that I need a day when no one needs me and I
escape to my space and break bits of glass.
Recently several kind people have commented that the tray is
amazingly like the picture of the space. As if I am painting in glass.
I like that imagery and idea very much. This landscape has
taken me to places in this art form I didn’t think I could do.
It started with the butterfly and continued lovingly with the masks.
But this tray, and the intricate cuts and shaping of the bits is
the most challenging and rewarding I have felt thus far.
I hope I can say that of the next piece as well.
For each to teach me more. For each new idea to become what
the masks and the tray have become with my own hands.
I do so love this art.
Off to do the set up, which means waking the still sleeping Jan.
It is her weekend and she deserves to sleep in.
UPDATE:
It went very well!
This is Kathryn and Jill, Mother and daughter.
They brought square stepping stones to mosaic on.
After a tour of the space and an admonishment to not be shy
and just help themselves to whatever they chose to use.
They did and had a blast. A Lovely day!
They will be back next week to do more. A couple of members
that were supposed to come have the dreaded flu that is
going around and couldn’t make it. Either way, it’s always nice to
have friends in the studio. They thanked me over and over, but
I explained that they were also helping me. It gets lonely at times
and this is just what I need.
I thought I would be sad about it.
But as soon as I walked into the UPS store I was happy.
Even the crabby clerk who took my hard work with a grunt
to a far off place to bang and knock it about, didn’t spoil my mood.
(I think I am a magnet for rude men lately)
I saw him through a crack in some boxes.
He was literally banging it on the ground inside of a box.
I wanted to peek my head around there and yell at him.
I had it wrapped in bubble wrap, then foam,
then more bubble wrap. Jaded will never get it open.
I’m sure it’s fine, but I still worried over it.
Sorry for the peanuts Jaded. He did it, not me.
I hate those little static filled peanuts.
If you ever had a dog get in them it’s a laugh though.
The static cling attaches to their fur.
Not fun to clean up, but great for a laugh.
Anyway, UPS is expensive! But I had to insure it and
used their box and fill. So I guess it wasn’t too bad.
I showed enormous restraint in letting it go at all.
I never expected to get so attached to these pieces.
I also showed restraint as I passed right by the Hobby Lobby
right next door. I had to get home and do laundry and work
on the tray. I am cutting leaves. Many Many leaves!
If you want to see it’s in flickr. I’m too lazy to upload here.
Art day is tomorrow but Jan has begged me to allow her
to cut the lawn. LOL I am not even joking.
She misses doing it and wants to. We had a warm spell and
a few days of hard rain so the lawn has decided to go bat
shit crazy and grow a foot in three days.
Poor tiny Li’ Bit has to hop through it to go pee.
So I give her permission to mow! (WTF!?)
—————————
This has been going on in my bed lately.
Jan goes to bed and as a special treat she has been taking all
three dogs with her. It’s a queen sized bed. Usually only Lil’ Bit
sleeps with us. Buster was also allowed to when we had him.
But generally it has been only Lil’ Bit’s thing. The other two have
a kitchen bed with a doggie door to the outside. There is a gate
on the kitchen doorway to keep them in there when we need
them to be. So Jan has been giving the other two this
special time. It is spoiling them rotten!
They know when we say “Ni Night Momma Jan in Big Bed”
that she is heading that way and they better be at the door or they
get locked out. So they hurry and potty and run to the bedroom.
It is cute as hell really. When I get ready to come to bed I put
Teddy down and he goes straight to his kitchen bed. Zoe has to be
carried, otherwise she hides under the bed and just wont go.
She growls at me like she will eat me alive. But she wouldn’t dare.
I sit her down in her bed and her sad cocker eyes tell me she hates me.
Then I go and climb in bed (its really high!) and have to move a
seven pound dog who somehow makes herself feel at least
25 pounds heavier at night. Not to mention her irritation over
anything fleece like. There are certain blankets she refuses to
touch. I am not sure who caused all this. But I blame Jan.
This is my bed and I want it back!
Please note the steps for short people, (Jan!)
————————————-
So how many people see the garbage bin at the road
at your house and walk right by it? There are three
often four in my house. It’s really big and blue too.
I can see it out my office window right now. But
it is only Wednesday and they just emptied it today.
We have gone almost the entire week before someone
brought it back down the hill. Sometimes if the robotic
arm pushes just right as it sets it back down, it will roll
down the hill on it’s own. Then it’s just half way down the
hill for days in someone’s way of driving there.
It’s the same with other things too, you know, the bits of stuff
that somehow ends up on the floor. Zoe helps with that more
than anyone. She is forever bringing me gifts of leaves off the
back deck. They end up on the carpet and only I can see them.
When I see the eye doctor Friday I am going to ask him to
help me not see this stuff anymore. I feel sure he can help.
It’s a new buzz topic in the community.
What it means to most young Gen X folks is
that they don’t want to be labeled as gay
or straight. They want us to understand that
they may choose either path. At any given time.
They want to experiment without labels and
find who they ultimately are.
I see my local gay bar filled with these young people
most of whom would say they are straight but want to
play with their sexuality in a place where that is the norm.
More power to them. Perhaps their generation will have
less people that choose what their family says is right
and truly listen to their soul.
But what it means to me, this notion of fluidity, includes
not just the young and confused but everyone. At any
given time in their lives. The ability to be attracted to
members of both sexes and to not put a label on it.
If more straight people were honest they would admit
to an occasional attraction to someone of the same sex.
Perhaps they never would act on it, but the feeling is there.
They push it away as wrong, sinful, something that would
cause their world to crumble because it is so wrong.
Family would leave in droves, because they have seen it.
Possibly been the one doing the pushing. Denial is used.
Others firmly accept that fluidity and allow the thought
but don’t act on it by choice. I believe I am fluid.
Does this mean that I act on that fluidity? No.
Because it isn’t something I choose. For me the
desire to be physically intimate with a man is not there.
It is distasteful at it’s best. Tolerable once upon a time.
But never satisfying sexually. Yet there are many who would
label me bi-sexual because of my history. There are extremely
sexy men in the world. I see them, the thought passes that
they are lovely, but I do not want to have sex with them.
The same is true of many women I see. Just because you are
female doesn’t mean that all lesbians want you.
Jan almost married a man once upon a time.
I am her first female relationship of substance.
Shortly before meeting me she was involved in a long distance
relationship with a woman in Australia. (Brisbane)
She went there to meet her in person and it didn’t work out.
Before that she dated a man. She also had affairs with women
friends during that time. Fluidity. Is she bi-sexual? No.
In my hateful comment yesterday here, what struck this person
was not so much that I was gay, but that I condoned this fluidity.
Not that he knew the word, or even what he was saying, he was
actually just trying to do what I allowed him to do; Censor me.
He did not want me to speak of the notion that one could love
two women at the same time, or share a life with them happily.
He didn’t want to hear that I could possibly be happy with my
spouse who just happens to be a woman. That I would condone
finding love in whatever form it takes.
He certainly didn’t want to hear of a lovely moment in bed
with my spouse. A moment filled with laughter and the kind
of intimacy that requires no removal of clothes.
It is that point that I wish to make. To him and others who now
hang here waiting for that thing they wish to scoff at.
I am a believer in love. In whatever form that takes for you.
I also enjoy intimacy and wish for much of it in your life.
There is nothing better than allowing another human that you
love to explore those places on you and within you that no other
may find.
If that manifests itself in sex with a man or woman, or two,
if you play with a strap on, a dildo, an S and M fetish,
I could care less! If you love a green man or woman what does
it matter to me what color that person is?
My questions are these, Did you find love? Are you happy?
Is that person good to you and do you return that goodness?
Do you harm, abuse or otherwise malign them or they you?
No? well go for it!
And so, I will continue to kiss the fingers of my spouse in the
way that makes her eyes close, her lips form a smile and her throat
emit a passionate groan for me. Because it is right and good.
I will continue to smile when I hear the same from you.
Occasionally I may write just that and more,
and if you choose to come to my blog to read my words.
That may be what you find here.
But as the woman who holds my heart like no other said
here last night; I am so much more than the label you
placed on me. I reject your label and continue my life.
Loving so very many amazing people with all of me.
Even you, because you so obviously are confused as
to why God gave you life. It isn’t to spread hate,
I can assure you of that. My choice is to write anyway.
Even though you are there, all you Bucky’s who hatefully
lurk. Though I know that many more lurk with kindness
and I understand that need to be silent as well.
This is my blog and it is public by choice.
My intent was to have a place to write it out and to
perhaps make a friend or two along the way.
To share me in an honest an open way so that others
may see that we are more alike than we are different.
I will continue that.
My skin needs to toughen I see, the blog world has changed.
There are those who wish to harm. Yet I will not alter what I
write or this blog by moderating it highly.
(In the future, the mean comments will stay.
To highlight that difference of opinion and to mark
you as a bigot with your own words. I’ll let the loving
people who frequent here take care of you with me.)
_____________________________________
_____________________________________
The offending post:
Good morning peoples!
I seriously have nothing, nada, no words…
I was replying to an email last night about
a poet I had long admired. Vita Sackville-West.
She was married to the same man for ever,
most people agree that he was gay as well and
theirs was a marriage for appearances only.
But they were life long companions and best friends.
Vita’s most well known lover (and there were many she desired)
was Virginia Woolf. They wrote passionate letters to each other.
Vita felt beneath Virginia and felt her feelings were not
always returned. In reality Virginia was as enthralled as Vita.
She was a hard woman to love, Vita’s women lovers were no longer
allowed to have sex with their husbands if they were involved with
her. She broke up with one such lover because it was rumored that
she had slept with her husband. She chose to claim people as her own.
Her poetry is filled with passion for women and for
gardens. So if you are into the history behind
such poets, look her up! Her letters to various lovers
are enough to make you remember who you love and why.
——————————-
It brings to mind another couple I once knew.
There were both well respected in their field of work.
Attended college together, and worked in their profession
side by side for years. They hired a housekeeper early on
who eventually had his child. Thus began an arrangement
that has lasted decades. They all seem happy with their
choices. A sharing of him, a co-parenting lifestyle
where both women live and love the same man.
The choices that work for others may not work for you.
But more power to them for finding what does work for them.
It is my belief that love comes to us without our input.
Lust is chosen, the deep love I am talking about is not of
our choosing. And so I do not judge, but celebrate their effort.
————————————-
When I met Jan we spent three days with this huge desire
for each other physically. We didn’t act on it until the
people who also came to the gathering here had left.
Mostly because my “date” for that gathering was here and I
didn’t want a scene. Even though we agreed that we would
never be anything. (She had a partner that she lied about
being estranged from… seriously, don’t lie to me and then
expect to get in my bed okay?) Not gonna happen.
This woman would not leave because she sensed that Jan
and I were attracted and wouldn’t leave until after Jan did.
So I quietly gave Jan my pager and told her I would call it
when Tamara left. Jan wandered around the new CVS store
until I paged her.
When she got back I had my room prepared for us.
I knew it was the first place we would go. We had talked all
weekend and I knew she would be mine, she knew the same.
I even included strawberries and whipped cream, because I had
heard that people liked that sort of thing. But what did I know,
I hadn’t been with anyone in years! I wanted to impress this
hot little woman who also wanted me, finally! Even though the
thought of eating them made me nauseated.
What we wont do to get some.
So I ate the strawberries. She didn’t find out until much later
that I actually hate strawberries. Combining food and sex is just
gross people. I’m sorry but food and sex do not mix!
Like salty and sweet are just wrong together too.
I’m not licking whipped cream out of your belly button along
with the lint there! Not to mention that I am much to tidy to
allow a mess in the bed anyway!
All this was discussed the other night as we said goodnight.
Weird how these subjects just come out of something so simple.
We were both cold and neither wanted to come out from under
the covers for a kiss, (not to mention a dog in the way!)
so I kissed her hand, her fingers. Which led us to remember
that first time and my lie about the strawberries.
My inability to enjoy food with sex makes her laugh. I said I could
do ice or anything else really. Just not anything that needs chewing
and swallowing. Which sent us into fits of giggles. And then we drifted
off to sleep. A perfect moment to have hot sex and we are so old,
we decided sleep was a better option! It’s still nice to fall asleep after
a good laugh with the honey.
——————————————–
“I like her and being with her and the splendour–
she shines in the grocer’s shop in Sevenoaks
with a candle lit radiance, stalking on legs like
beech trees, pink glowing, grape clustered,
pearl hung. That is the secret of her glamour,
I suppose.”
Vita Sackville West
What you’re about to hear is a portion of a jaw-dropping
speech delivered by Oklahoma State Representative Rep. Sally Kern
at a gathering in her district. This is what they say when they
think we’re not listening.
Learn more at www.victoryfund.org/listening
I also need to do the spring cleaning
