off for

Art Therapy

Titled Morning Dip.
16×20 acrylic on canvas

Too much

I feel as if I am, for you at times even.
More passion than others find comfortable to
wear as theirs. Begging you to feel it with me.

Eclectic, others call me, an artist type they say.
Filled with hopes and dreams for many.
Animated, expressive with hands and heart.
Laughing too loud, painting with abandon,
writing recklessly and singing out loud often.

As I lay with you again; my desire for you filling me,
meeting your eyes as my gown is dropped.
I wish to only please you with it and am surprised
to find my boundless desire almost frightens you.
There is a moment when you forget who I am.
I fight my way through those who did harm, and
find the you who knows of me again.

One who is prone to chase you among the trees,
capturing you as we fall to the forest floor together.
Breathless and laughing for our effort.
I would take you there, should you allow it.
Your gentle reserve scarcely makes that possible.
Yet I desire you there in the open air more so
than on that comfortable mattress behind a door.

I laugh at our age and what convention says
we must now be. Play with me again and still.
Forever more. Feel me as I tell the story that
makes you laugh. Watch me from afar as music
builds within and escapes through hips that sway
and hands that drum. Watch as sticks become
conductors batons moving at lightening speed.
Let me pick leaves from your hair and lay with
you once finally spent, as birds take flight in celebration.

You are invited inside me, to feel what I live each day.
To find the magic in a newly discovered forest glen.
To walk with me and run again when the need swells.
Live inside my world for just a moment with me.
I pray that you should not let me be too much within you.
My intent is always to only feel this pleasure of you.
And you of me. Remember me this way for all time.

Vita and Me

A while ago I decided to re-read the letters of
Vita and Virginia… and they have been lovely
to visit again after so many years. I first read
most of them as a single mom, wishing for that to
be me. For my Vita to find me… I was Virginia then
or Violet. The true love of her life. Full of dreams of
romantic love.

The latest netflix for us happened to be the
Masterpiece Theater’s production of Vita’s son’s
book on his mothers marriage. Jan and I watched
it together last night. As I did, now with her here,
I realized that the woman I most resemble was not
Violet (or later Virginia) at all, I was more Vita.
The unsure female, prone to masculine qualities,
but also loving being a woman and all that it entails.
I am less likely to wear a suit surely, but in feeling,
in character, and yes even in body type I am so
like her. It was lovely to watch with Jan and see us
in their love. To visit that time, what it was like to
hide their feelings and yet I wonder if they really
minded so much some of the time. They led exciting
lives. Of writers and poets, triangles and jealousy.

Nothing I care to visit in my own life, but fun for a
wild fantasy or two…

The end of the story leaves us hanging, but history
tells us that Vita moved on to Virginia Woolf and
Violet went on to have a long relationship with the
daughter of the Singer family fortune.
(who was one of 24 children!)

So look up Vita Sackville-West and
Violet Keppel while you do a search for other stuff.
Their lives are worth a read. Wiki them if nothing else.
You wont be sorry.
——————————-

I’m back in mom driver mode today with Kate at
driving school (yeah!) and Hilary at work.
I’ll be heading out again to pick them up.
I stopped by a shoe store and bought cheap
work out shoes and socks. I also needed smaller bras,
my fricking boobs went first with my weight loss as usual.
LOL!! I don’t care, Jan doesn’t care. It’s all good.

I also found a sarong for a swim suit cover up.
I feel pretty good about it all, surprisingly.
I had my new suit on yesterday and asked my 22 year old
son if I would embarrass him at the beach. He said no LOL.
I am impatient to get on my rowing machine but they said
not for 10 days! It’s only been 5 so far.

So while I was waiting for the shoe store to open I went
to see Jan at work. (Like a mile a part and a half hour to kill.)
I was amazed at how my weight loss has changed how people
talk to me. There isn’t another subject out there evidently.
I am always hit with those same questions, how much have you
lost and how did you do it. But then… they kind of act pissed
at me for doing it. So I steer the conversation to them and it
always comes back to me because someone else will walk up
and there they go again! I was asked today if I took pills or
had surgery! Uh, no not by choice.
So I think I need to stay away.

Jan and I bought a scale that I can actually read from 6 feet away
(that’s my height and the 5 dollar ikea one was a joke really.)
So last night we also wrote it down and measured our body parts.
Fun stuff had Hilary not been wielding the measuring tape.

Hilary has lost 24 pounds already! Kate and Jan weigh the same,
one pound difference actually; and so they have a bet going.
Now to get us all using the weight balls and rower.
There’s skin and muscle to tone!
I saw my collar bones yesterday.
Without needing to breathe in deeply to make them appear.
There they now are. Weird stuff I tell ya.

I’m okay.

Life goes on…

I’m not sure why I have been so quiet.
Just no spark of creative energy in
written or mosaic form. I miss it all
and yet cant drum up enough urge to do
anything about it. I am a slug.
I hate the television. I hate commercials that
advertise food.

In some ways my weight loss success has been
stolen from me. As I went through these months
of stomach upset I told myself that I wasn’t eating
right and that was why I was feeling so poorly most
of the time. I worked through it, eating cheese/peanut
butter crackers for breakfast and throughout the day as
the upset returned. It was all I was eating really.
That and dinner with the family. When we went out I
would eat a small portion of what I ordered and brought
the rest home for Jan for work. I told myself it was me
doing it. A choice, when actually it was all I could do
according to my gut. So I now question whether it was
any action of mine or an illness that allowed these 75 pounds
to leave my body. What I do with it now that the nausea
is gone is up to me. The true test of what I want to be.
My rowing machine came while I was in the hospital.
Irony. I can not use it yet but it is there waiting for me.
I am determined to get down to 170 by August.

The surgery was a breeze really. I am fine from it.
I have all the help I need here to recover.
But I have been miserable at home this week.
Little surgery pain, no nausea. Just constipated and
feeling fat and bloated from it. Backed up for days.
I hate vicod*in. I have only taken pain meds four times
since being home. I think I’m doing fine there.
No real pain or problems others talk of with
gallbladder removal; like the runs and such.
The kids dad crapped on himself every time he
ate anything after his was removed. I have none of that.
Serves him right I think. So that is the truth of it.
I’m fine, but my bowels are pissed. Like you all wanted
to know that. My insides are just ticked off at being
invaded. I finally had some success in that area and
am feeling more normal today. Clap for me people.
I took a dump, finally! LOL It’s been a painful week
all around for my body.

My heart rate has been good since arriving home.
Well actually since removing the infected body part.
The cardiologist said that the low rate was probably
from my extreme nausea stimulating the vagal nerve
to lower my heart rate to handle it. Weird that, but it
looks like it may have been true. My only worry cardiac
wise is the skipped beats as they gave me phenergran
in the hospital. The strip showed a rhythm that is
very dangerous if it doesn’t return to normal quickly.
I don’t take phenegran IV on a regular basis obviously
and don’t see it happening again.

I have decided not to go see the cardiologist again.
I think I am fine. I feel nothing different and I have been
listening carefully. Jan checks my rate often and it has
been fine. I hate wearing the monitor. This will be the
fourth time I have worn it and they never find anything
except heart spasms. It is extremely expensive as well.
From the doctor and the hospital that monitors it.
We just cant afford a needless test again.

I already had a myoview and heart cath I didn’t need.
Those bills and the hospital bill will be filed as indigent.
That just brings me to tears really. I hate that word.
I hate not having insurance. I could say, well hell
they fired me, so now they can pay my bill.
But the truth is, I have always paid my way and hate
not being able to. I haven’t even seen my balance due.
I’m afraid to. So I am feeling really bad about what I owe.
What this bill means to us, to Jan, and how hard she works
already. My mind goes to that “get a real job” place and
I question what I am doing here at home. That in turn
steals any creative energy I may feel. It’s just gone.

I did 7 loads of laundry yesterday. Jan finally got in the attic
and got out her summer clothes. I kid you not, she chose 50
shirts that she thinks she cant do without this season.
I counted them. So I used the stairs a lot yesterday and
found no desire to venture farther into the basement to
my studio space. I was so sore by the end of the day,
bending over the dryer was the worst. But I did it. I
accomplished something for her that she would have had
to do today on her only day off this week. It felt great!
She was ticked at me for doing it, but I know it took
pressure off her day today and it was worth the scolding.

I also let John Paul and Kate know that I would
be waking them at 10 am today to mow the grass.
Jan will not do that today either. They are young
and have the time. They were cool with it. But I know
that Jan will weed eat, because they suck at it.
As long as they do the major mowing I will be happy.
She has been through so much this past week and I
am determined to take that load from her.

I’m up early and I am going to drive today.
I am off to walmart. God help me, but I need things
from several stores and they will have all of it.
Crap like weed eater line and cards and groceries…
I want that weed eater line back here by ten so they
have no excuse to bow out of todays activities.

I also need to find a box for the ballerina piece
which is supposed to be shipped today, but may be
put off until Monday depending on my success finding
packaging for it. I may need to go to the UPS store
and the nearest one is in chattown by the mall 20 minutes
away. I don’t feel like going anywhere near the mall today.

It’s in the 80’s here already, no weeks of spring like weather
again this year. It was 85 in the house yesterday with the
fans on and windows open. It was fine for me, because I am
always cold anyway, but was pretty miserable actually even
for me. Last night we closed it up and turned on the AC.
It’s just too hot for people who will be working in the yard and
need a cool house to recover from it.

Hopefully we will have a cool spurt or two yet in the forecast
and we can open the house back up again.

So I am off…. have a great day all!

My Mother’s birthday would have been tomorrow.
This is in her honor.
It is the song I wrote of at the time of her death.
The song that plays as she reaches for me even now.
Click Here for that post.

Still kicking hard.

I thought I’d write a post about my hospital visit today,
and maybe it will become that, but really I wanted to
say just how colorful the world is.
When I arrived home Monday afternoon the grass was
greener, the dogwood along the front sidewalk had bloomed
and I realized that I had almost missed it’s white flowers.
The bradford pear trees are snowing blossoms across
the yard as they fall to make way for leaves. My
just planted pots are coming along nicely, someone
remembered to water them for me.

Jan made bacon Tuesday as a part of my breakfast.
I was allowed one heaven sent piece of salty goodness.
No nausea resulted in that one piece. The best flavor ever.
Everything was heightened in impact and importance.
My health still not secure, still questions about my heart.
But my heart rate has been up since I arrived home.
So I am hopeful. Sometimes in the 50’s and last night in the 80’s!

As I was admitted on Wednesday I was placed in a clinical
decision unit. After testing they determine which floor one should
be bedded in. I was assigned to the Progressive Care floor,
a monitored floor due to my heart. But the people on CDU
(Clinical Decision Unit) are our friends. We know and spend time
with them away from work. I asked for a bed there even though
I was offically a PCU patient. For as a long as they didn’t need
my bed. I took a tiny closet of a room. 366 was mine. Later as
my visit dragged on and it was obvious that they had rooms;
I was moved to a much larger and nicer room. Not one doctor
complained that I was technically on a 24 hour floor for 5 days.
The Nursing and Tech staff, Respiratory, Lab, everyone either
knew me or knew Jan, or of her reputation and took the best
care of me. I have not one complaint about my care.
The halls were filled with love and support each day.

Our friend Janie, a nurse there too, bought me a beautiful pink
and green paisley summer robe. I was wearing my fluffy pink winter
robe and it was so hot! Each unknown nurse and friend nurses were so
kind to me. I am the type of patient, (perhaps because of my own
history there), that prefers to do things for herself. If possible.
I walked to the nurses station to ask for more ice instead
of pushing the call button. I took it upon myself to know that on
Saturday and Sunday as I was only monitored, that I should move
and see how my heart did instead of laying in bed all weekend.
That would have driven me over the edge.

So I made a track for myself and my IV machinery. I walked the
bridge that connects one side of the hospital to the other and
down around the nurses station. They laughed at me and admired
my need to not be needy. My heart did well and it was this act that
told them I could handle the surgery. My monitoring came back fine.
I had proven I was tough and could take it.

The day after arriving (Thursday), feeling ever so sorry for myself,
I was given a breakfast which consisted of one lone bowl of
Cream of Wheat with a mistakenly added pat of butter and a
container of jelly. Missing any toast to spread them onto brought
me to tears. I didn’t need a liquid diet. My surgeon put me on it.
I had been taking care of my diet for almost a year.

I wrote a blog post then, and the first sentences were
“I cried over cream of wheat today, that is just how pitiful I
have become.” And I did cry buckets that day. I called
Jan in the ER and cried to her over my COW plight. LOL
She called my Doctor and I was allowed a bland diet.

After that day of feeling sorry for myself I rallied and became
determined to orchestrate my fate there. I would show them
I was strong enough to handle whatever they suggested.
The talk of my need for an inserted into my heart
Pacemaker/defibrillator terrifed me and made me feel old
before my time. I had to show them my heart didn’t need it.
I see the cardiologist next week to discuss this need further.
I will fight it. But if it will shock my stopped heart someday,
it may be necessary. I am choosing to put my head in the
sand on that issue as I heal from the surgery this week.

I have one larger (than the rest of them)incision near my navel,
and three others peppered across my stomach that are tiny.
I am fine.
Sore today after the excitement yesterday of being home
and doing too much too soon. But really doing amazingly well!

I had hoped to be in the studio today, but that can not happen.
Maybe not even tomorrow. I had to put off art day and I hate that.
Jill from those art days has become a lovely friend and visited
me in the hospital for several hours over the weekend.

It was a lonely time. The kids didn’t do well with showing care.
Kate especially was glaringly absent the entire time. By phone and
in person, she was not there. This shocked me completely.
She did come the day of surgery and cried to me over the phone
about her inability to be there. She chose parties with friends instead
of time there with me. It hurt deeply. She is disappointed in herself.
I haven’t said much about it to her. And wont.

John Paul and Hilary did much better, but being that NO ONE drives…
they were unable to get up to the hospital too. They came once with
Mary and on surgery day they were all there as I came out of the OR.
Jan worked on Saturday and Sunday so those days I read or I listened
to my Ipod and sketched until I realized that no creative spark could
penetrate those walls. I walked and went outside to sit in the air a lot.
I made it through.

If I had left and returned just for the surgery I would have had to pay
a huge down payment to the hospital for the surgery as it would no
longer be a full admission emergency need. It would be classed as
elective. My surgeon wanted me on heavy antibiotics IV anyway and
the cardiologist wanted me monitored there, so I really had no choice
but to stay. I talked to a lot of people to keep myself occupied!

Jan talked with Laura several times, I did too. She called and
emailed me even though G’s sister was about to have surgery too.
She took the time to talk with Jan and I heard them laugh together.
They got to know each other a bit. I was so happy about all of it!

It has felt odd to think of going there with Jan being a total stranger
to her. I still feel that way about G to a certain extent.
We haven’t really had the chance as she heals from her major surgery
to get to know each other. Maybe she doesn’t care to. Laura writes
of this visit assuring everyone that her and I are just close friends
and no more. That is not in question in my home and I am worried
that it is a question in theirs. I don’t want that and don’t know how
to tell G that. I know that once she sees Jan and I and how we love
each other that those thoughts will vanish.
I would like her to know that now.
To want to know us, me. But I cant make that happen for us.
Laura will always be a member of my family in my heart.
I love her deeply, but don’t want her in my bed.
Just in my heart and for me to remain in hers.
I’d like G there too, in mine.

I wrote a 7 page handwritten post to all of you for the loving care and
concern you showed each day. I wont post it, just know that
your attention and love pulled me through those dark days.
I read and re-read your comments and letters each time tears or
worry took hold of me. They always did the trick.

I still have that stack of printed pages and marvel at you all and
your honest affection for me. Carol from Philly, my flickr artist sister,
called me as a surprise and I had a wonderful time talking with her.
Jaded and family sent a beautiful arrangement which greeted me
on my bedside as I awoke from surgery. I called her, but don’t
remember much of the short conversation as I was drugged!
I look forward to having a coherent conversation with her
again someday! I was touched deeply by it all.

Just thank you, thank you all.

I am off to my couch…it was not a good night and
I have learned my lesson to take it slower today.

I love you all.
Annie

just a quickie

Hope this makes sense, this is me on drugs again…

I’m not supposed to be in the office,
Later I’ll use the laptop on the couch.
Jan is sleeping, that poor wonderful woman I so love.
She is exhausted by the events and emotions this week.

Just a quick run down for now.
Will expand later.
Or maybe not, it’s been hell-ville in my body really.

To the many people who
sought out a way to connect to me
while in the hospital.
Thank you so much!

You are just the most amazing people I
have ever met.
My love to each of you is enormous.

I got home four hours after surgery
and am sneaking in here while Jan is
sleeping to say thank you. She has been my rock
and fab nurse this whole time!
I know how she loves me but I had no idea
just how deeply she adores me.

Hopefully tomorrow I can walk to the studio via the
driveway and just pop in my favorite CD as I look at
my space again for the first time in 5 days.

Carol, (artist mama)
I am so touched by what you did.
Love you!

Jaded, my God but you are the sister I have
longed for all my life. The Tiger lilies are to die for.
Pictures later…. The vase, divine and will be a
returned Mosaic to you one day. It screams YOU!
I adore you my friend.
Thanks to Mr Jaded and Jadette too!
Loved talking with you!

To everyone, I was gifted with your comments
and emails and prepared replies while there to everyone.
Hilary was not able to hear me dictate them over the phone so
I will post them later here. Know each one was so treasured,
and lifted sagging spirits and fear in a most lovely way.

A quick run down of this week.
Wednesday while teaching… chest pain,,
A trip to ER where Jan works.
ekg no good, low heart rate
myoview Thursday, failed that too.
Heart cath Friday, I passed!

But still V-Tach rhythms
(skipping more than 4 beats in a row)
and bradycardia (low heart rate of 40)

Same day (Friday) gallbladder ultrasound,
finding diseased and infected gallbladder.
Not sure if they can operate due to heart issue.
I am monitored throughout the weekend via many
wires and machines. Sunday
I get the go ahead from the cardiologists for surgery.

Monday, (today)
9:30 am gallbladder removed.
Home by 3 pm!
My home, my haven.
Jan is a nurse and is taking fine care of me.
Give me three days and I’ll be cutting glass again!

It is the longest Jan and I have been a part and the
longest I have been in the hospital.

Laura called or emailed every day,
My love for her grew boundless at her care.

When I was so down, you ALL lifted me so very high.
I say a simple pitiful Thank You! with all of me in it.
Love annie

The Cala Lilies are from Jan
The roses from the kids
and the Tiger lily and shasta daisy arrangement from Jaded!

Measures….

I always measure a relationship by what someone
becomes while in the midst of it.
Do they grow and change for the better or worse?
Do they thrive or wither for the experience.

If the negatives are true, then it is not a healthy
relationship to be in. Been there plenty.

More on that later… but it is forming.
What do you think?

Teaching today.
Back this afternoon.

75 and sunny here in Georgia today after two
days of 40 degree temps. It is most welcome!

weighty issues.

I bought work out clothes. No really, first time for everything.
I have been wearing lounge pants, jeans, sweats whatever.
Not taking it very seriously because serious makes me
want to stop. Saying I’m not really doing anything makes
it easier should I fail. But I haven’t failed. The scale said
204 at Jan’s work today. I am soon to be under that 200 mark
I so want to be. 75 pounds of me gone, a small child missing.
hmmm, interesting analogy.

So to celebrate I bought a 4, 6 dollar tops and a
pair of work out shorts so I don’t flash my “va jay jay”.
Whist I spread my legs to exercise LOL.
I crack me up!

Two of those tops are spandex type tank tops.
I fit in an extra large spandex top.
Well I fit in a large, but it cut off circulation to my
boobs so I opted for a size larger!
I also got another weight ball and dumbbells for Jan.
She has been interested in working out with me.
I have been doing it in the morning, so I’ll just do
two now! One alone with my music in the morning and
once with her at night. The weight ball is great to throw
and squat with a partner.

So that’s what I have been doing instead of blogging
in the mornings. Working on me, just physically instead
of writing it all. I also made the change because I am
missing Laura. When G was recovering she had time to
write most every day, usually back and forth a few times
between us each morning. Now it is spring, G is better and
I have been thrown away LOL. No, just kidding, but I do miss
all of it and what we were learning about each other.

It’s not like I am bored, I have tons to do.
It isn’t even about quantity, just the real stuff is lessened
to just say a quick hello most of the time. Heck we still speak
or email several times a week, I really have no complaints, just a
gentle ache at the change. So, because it ached, I used it
to make changes that needed to be made for me to live longer
and better myself. It’s an excellent trade.

———————-
I found an ipod, a 4 gb ipod, unused and still in it’s original box.
Free, well if you don’t count that we paid for it at Christmas!
John Paul never opened it. So, since he won’t notice it’s missing
for a month… It’s now being broken in by me!
He told Kate that he really didn’t have any use for it.
(yet he asked for one)
So both Kate and Hilary said Use it! and I am.
(he isn’t home to ask permission anyway)
I don’t really like the pieces in my ears though, so I’ll still
use my cd’s in the studio. The Ipod to work out or when
I need to be quiet in the studio. Lets see how long it takes
him to notice it isn’t in his room.
————————–

It didn’t occur to me as we sat all season watching
The Biggest Loser
while eating such things as pizza and ice cream that I was also
a part of this seasons weight loss goal for America that they
have going on. I never registered my intent. I had no intent.
Now I wish I had. They were trying to get viewers to lose
a million pounds and I think they have done it.

At first I didn’t like this show. The first season they let people
go with the phrases, “trim the fat”, “who’s weighing you
down”, they seemed like more fat jokes to me and I had
heard enough. But as we watched each season and those
faults were fixed, I became a fan.

This season I am so taken with Kelly and Ali and hope that a woman
finally wins tonight! Ali was sent home early on and continued to
work hard there. She was voted back in a while ago and has done
extraordinary things with her body. Kelly struggled with being so
out of shape, not caring. With an ex-husband who couldn’t let go.
She began to shine as he left the show and has soared so high.
It is inspirational.

I adore Jillian and want her to come and kick my ass.
Interestingly Bob looks so similar to Terry our hair guy.
I have always loved Bob, until this year when he did some
things I would call unfair or with unkind intent. So I still think
he is cute and wonderful, but I am kinda mad at him too.
————————

anyway, off to make pancakes and bacon for dinner LOL!
Then I am going to wear Jan out later throwing an 8 pound ball
at her and making her squat with it.
She’s gonna love me!

This weeks fav album
The Road Less Traveled,
Melissa Etheridge! Hits…

More Hilary

One of Hilary’s photographs of our local Flag display
has been chosen for a traveling exhibit.

News Story
More pride for my girl.

————–
Working,

Paint flies and takes me with it.
Along for the ride I go, air born
as all of me escapes into it.

Music drums loudly.
I close my eyes to hear it.
My brushes become sticks as I pound
and feel the empty places fill.

No worry or loss can find it’s way past it.
Only pleasure can be felt and named.
My feet move, hips sway…
Surrendering to the passion that
has filled me. I dance alone as the
paint sprays in droplets to the beat.

I am free.

Prom

This is Hilary’s best friend Mary,
They have been Inseparable for the last 7 years.

Mary’s mom Karen actually bought this dress for Hilary
for a graduation gift.

This is James, a funny guy!

As she prepared to drive away,
I felt this tug of tears wanting to take me.
I joked instead.
Take care of my girl James.

It’s done. No more graduation prep except for those last days.
And now, a nap for me I think. I feel old, and kinda sad too.
But thrilled for my child that she left here smiling.