So,
Let me tell you how “Morning Dip”
(the painting shown below) came to be.
There were worries and even words about
whether or not it was time for us to travel
to meet/see G and Laura. For many reasons
concerning my own relationship and theirs.
As I write that I worry more will be read into
that statement than need be.
Some people will read more into all of it and
I am going to try harder not to care what the
hell is thought of me. Which is the point of all
of this really. Damn I digress in a long winded
manner don’t I? Anyway…
Just, needing the answer to the question,
is it time for all of us to meet? Is it too soon?
I leaned toward not going; Jan had the opposite
opinion, but left it up to me. So I had to step away
and ask why. Why was I looking for negative meanings
to words instead of just asking for clarification?
Why was I looking for trouble? Why was I only looking
at it as a “get to know me”? We would also be seeing if
they were “our kind of people”. Why must I make Gods
out of people all the fricking time?
What I think in the end is that it has nothing at all to do
with G and her acceptance of me or not. It has everything
to do with whether or not I am ready to show both
of them me. Being enough. Being afraid of being me.
And so I set out to mosaic that sketch below and
pulled out a canvas instead. I threw paint and
blended until I found where she needed to be.
In the corner because she is unsure, but boldly there.
It is a new day, ripe with possibilities and choices.
Would she be walking toward that unknown of the
deep water or would she be moving toward shore,
too afraid to trust the water or herself to swim there.
I didn’t know at first.
I drew her both ways.
As paint flew, quite literally doing the sky and lake,
a decision was made.
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Two other nasty pieces of business concerning
this blog happened at the same time,
and I just had to really wonder if I should go private.
Thank you all for helping me not hit that delete
button. I need a thicker skin.
Never had one; it may be too late.
I care, what can I say.
I care very much.
(Traci, you can still find the
video Hilary did of me in my You Tube
link to the left.)
