As time passes…

So yes, I have a sinus infection.
On all the meds. Slept on the couch
so Jan could sleep without me tossing and
keeping her awake. It sucks to have a headache
while you sleep! Each time I sleep on the couch
I wake with my arthritis in my hips really ticked off
at me. You would think I would learn and not do that!

I am a stubborn old woman.
But ya love me anyway right? I said!!
I’m fine really.

Hilary graduates next Friday.
No really, how will I survive it?
Graduation is being held in Chattanooga
at an arena there. 8 pm, which means we wont
get out of there until about 11. What is wrong with
using the football field? I know, it could possibly rain.
It worked for me in 1977.

I have been remembering that time lately.
My mom did show up for my graduation, I was already
gone from home by that time. Working as a nanny to
two beautiful little boys. My pay was my room and board
and anything I just had to have personally, my employer bought.
But I had no money I could call my own. When she said she was
moving to the other side of town and asked me to come along.
I had to say no. I would leave Michigan and go “home” to
California within the month.

I had only been in Michigan for four years. I had found out
that my father was not my father at all but was some unknown
man on my birth certificate. This news came as I took my driving
test. No mention was made of it, Mom took me to lunch to make
up for the lifetime of lies. I sat there dumbfounded at the news.
But I had my license and was going to be free soon.
I had figured out that I was gay, this horrible thing others spoke
in whispers about. That was me. My step father, the man who
molested me, had just been moved out, finally after one more
embarrassing scene in front of the neighbors in our new town.
I tried to kill myself over all of it. I survived it and enrolled in the
career center that changed everything.

I soon found love with Beth, or thought I had. Terrified of it,
I rejected it and slept with the first boy I felt I could trust
to not hurt me. I had to prove I wasn’t gay to myself.
I was so gay. I hated each moment of being with Joe.
No offense Joe. I’m sure you made some straight girl a wonderful
lover. The truth is I couldn’t even talk to boys, let alone make a
life with one. (I should have remembered that later)

Beth was who I felt at home with, that love completed me.
While we never fully made love, those moments of lovely
passion we did share told me everything I needed to know.
My whole world and what I knew of me had changed during
that time.

I watched Laura’s children occasionally then too but she paid
crap! Actually the truth is, I was so enamored by her I rarely
asked for pay LOL. It didn’t matter to me then, money I mean.
I gave away anything to feel accepted and loved. Too much really.
I learned that later. I saved nothing for me.

Mom had seen Laura and Beth coming to pick me up at home
often and must have had her own gaydar working. She figured out that
Laura was gay and when Beth started hanging around me,
well Mom wasn’t stupid. Our big blow up came when she threatened
to make me stop working for Laura, “that woman” as she called her.
Sure she was the “cause” of this homosexual thing”.
Beth was no longer to be allowed to come by for visits.

I left that night and never lived with her again. When I attempted to
take my bed and dresser and a few things with me so I would have
some furniture in my room. She refused to let me have any of it.
I was allowed one trunk, what ever fit was all I got. I took mementos,
journals, favorite books, not really anything I would need to live.

And so, I treasure that my children still reside here with me in
that way. That they feel a desire to be here and know that they
are welcome and loved no matter who they are.

My goal as a parent was never to allow my children to be molested.
To teach them acceptance of all humans, no matter, no matter.
To teach them that what they put forth for the world they
will receive. If they are bitter, closed and angry, they will get that
in return from others. If they were kind and giving, that too would
be theirs.

They have learned well. I am a proud mother. I have done it.
Because the ultimate goal was always to raise them in one home.
One set of friends. One school to spend 13 years in. So that they
would have those friends from childhood that they remember for a
lifetime. Next Friday will be the culmination of that goal.

I wondered often if it was worth it, the struggle to keep this house
for them was huge years ago. Single parenting just sucks really.
But we also gained so much by being the Burke Tribe, strong the
four of us. As close as a parent and children can be and still
maintain respectful discipline and order. I am nostalgic over it all.
Thanks for listening…

——————