August 1, 2008
August 1, 2008I haven’t blogged in days because I really find that
everything in my life comes back around to tomorrow.
Figuring that most people are probably sick of hearing
about that date, I kept silent. But I just cant today.
We have several things to do today regarding the trip.
For starters… Car washing. Then we bought an air filter
after the oil change people discovered they didn’t have
one in stock. Jan went to put it on, but to get to it
required the removal of hoses etc. We decided that may
be best left to folks who know that sort of thing.
Especially since we are leaving town.
Lets see, The Bank. Store for snacks. Produce stand because
Jan wants to take a few “home grown home town” things.
Peaches, Watermelon… No okra honey… Well for me anyway!
Gassed up and ready to go!
Then back home to iron and pack. Laundry is finished. The house
is clean. Yeah I clean before I leave, which worked better when
the kids came with me. It was always clean when I got home.
Not so much now, though they do try. I probably need to mow
the front yard as it will be a jungle when we get back. It rained
non stop this week and the grass loved it.
Looks like a lot of cloudy or rainy days in MI this week. I told
Laura yesterday that it is probably a good thing. They have just
been going 100 miles an hour. Hopefully a rainy afternoon or two
will leave time for napping. Or just sitting still at least!
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In retrospect these past months have been angst ridden for me.
Because she has always been so important and I have felt some
need in many circles to define and explain it. I can not. I can only
say that I love for a lifetime. Hopefully for several lifetimes.
Deeply with some, more than others. Those who were there for
me in difficult times are obviously more adored than those who
were not.
Although I never told her what had just ended for me when we
met until recently, it was her care, her children that helped me
see that life could be good.
Her daughter C would climb into my lap, forever only in her
diaper and not much else. Just covered in sweat from
napping, slowly waking as she pressed against me, not wanting to
wake. She was the first child to love me in return. Showing me with
her innocence and small smile that children should be treasured
and not harmed. She made me want to mother her in the way I
never was. I adored her brothers just as much and although they
liked me. I was tolerated as they were sure even then that they
were far passed the need for my child care services. In many ways,
they were right. They taught me so much. All of them.
We had many fun moments together that I have never forgotten.
How could I not hold them dear still.
And so today I pack to go where I never thought I would go again.
To that state, that side of the state, pass those that place blame
and on to someone who never did. To see someone I gave up
finding long ago. Hoping against all hope to be welcomed into their
family again. Because being loved by them always did
fill my heart to the brim.
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Jaded, I believe that as we pass through life we should adopt
others to join our family. Because the belief in a birth families
unconditional love is not my reality. I am honored to join yours and
you, mine. As it should be. Thank you for loving me so sweetly.
Off to scream, HAPPY VACATION! as I jump on the bed to wake Jan!
LOL
I have been angst-filled over your vacation with you, because I *know* how hard it will be to be that close to your family. I’ve also been excited/apprehensive about you going to reconnect with your past. I guess I just worried that since it can’t be what it was, that it might not be enough for you. Now I don’t think that. Now I think that you just want to who she is now, and how you can forge a new relationship with someone who provided you with a little taste of normalcy during such a crazy time. I get that. I’ve been doing it myself of late. Since your bio-family rejected you, I can only imagine the fear involved with wondering if this part of your adopted family might do the same. Fortunately, no one else sees you the way your bio-family does. You’ve made as much of a positive impact on her as she made on you. We never expect that, do we?
You and Jan are both a part of my family. The hub asks how you’re doing pretty regularly, because he sees how important you’ve become to me over the years. He thinks it will be great to have you come for a visit. And if you’d like to “meet” most of my “adopted” family, join facebook…it’s quite the party!
You’ve treated me with such kindness - more than my own family has shown, ever. Of course I love you like a sister and of course I love your spouse and kids. How could I not?
Have fun with the preparations! Take a deep breath, get in the car and drive…it’s time for your past to meet your present and have it all come full circle!!! How exciting!!!
Excellent post honey.
Excellent reply sister friend Jersey Girl.
Annie honey only 2 more nite nites!!!
Oh Annie. I don’t know you well and yet I feel like I do. I’ve read your blog for such a long time. I’m happy that are revisiting this part of your life that was so important to you. What a gift this vacation is for all of you. Travel safely my dear. This post made me weepy which, in reality, doesn’t take too much! I will be holding you close in spirit as you journey to the place where your past and your present will at last meet. I understand how hard it will be to be in the same town as your “family”. You are a brave soul and I’m so proud of you for facing the fear and doing it anyway. That is the definition of courage. And you have it. In spades. Peace.
Jaded you hit every nail exactly right.
I had those same fears, wants and needs.
No I didn’t expect to be someone she
wishes to know now.
I thought I was a bother from day one.
Knowing that she wants to see me to connect
with her own past is amazing. Simply amazing!
Worth the wait of these two years,
maybe not 30 years! But worth two at least!
Traci, I was weepy as I wrote it!
I just adore every member of this family.
To get that chance to know them again is a gift
I never thought I would get. How lucky I am.
I know this.
I know this so well.
It is 7 am. Been up since 6 but I did sleep!
Maybe not so tonight! We will see.
Will write from the hotel tonight.
Love you all, thank you for your love
and support these 4 months of waiting
for this day to arrive!
Jan one more ni-night!
I hope this is everything you have dreamed it to be!
Me too Rox! We will see what tomorrow brings